One Day at a Time
by Sergeant Phoenix
Summary: (Revised) Zell's got serious problems. Can Squall pull him away from his self-destructive tendencies before he attempts the unthinkable?
1. Default Chapter Title

  
Zell Dincht looked at the ground. He stood on the stone railing of the second   
floor terrace. He stared at the ground that was so far below him. He placed on   
foot in front of the other, playfully walking along the narrow rail.   
The night sky was blanketed with dark clouds in the distance, thriving with   
testimony of the impending storm.   
A long bolt of lightning struck the Alcauld Plains as Zell walked. There was   
noone around to tell him to get down, that he would fall. Noone to pretend   
whether or not they cared if he plunged to his death from this terrace.   
(Why should anyone care, he thought. All I ever do is make trouble for everyone   
else. I can't do anything right. I always find a way to screw up anything I try   
to do. Why can't I be like Squall...? Or Selphie...? Anybody, but me. I'm always   
in the way.... The only thing I could do right would be to step off this   
railing.......)   
He started to tremble and lost his balance. "Whoa...!"   
He fell over the edge and reached for the rail wildly. He managed to grab hold   
of it at the last second and pulled himself up. After climbing back over it, he   
sat down, breathing hard. (Can't even do that right....)   
Zell closed his eyes and removed his Ehrgeiz fighting gloves. He opened his eyes   
and looked down at his hand. Dozens of small white scars marked his wrists and   
palms, reminding him of just how weak he truly was. He stared at his hands.   
There were so many of them.......   
The sky let out a burst of thunder in the distance as tears started to pour down   
Zell's cheeks. (No.....!!) his mind cried. He immediately wiped away the tears,   
but to no avail. They rebelliously continued down his face until finally   
dropping off his chin to his shirt. He kept wiping them away, and then stopped,   
deciding it was no use anymore.   
He moved over to the corner of the terrace so noone would see him. He pulled his   
knees up to his chest and crossed his arms. He put his head down and sobbed   
quietly, until finally falling asleep on the cold floor of the terrace.   
________________________________________________________________________________________________   
  
Squall couldn't sleep. He'd lain in his bed for an hour, tossing and turning,   
trying to get to sleep. (Might as well get up.....Won't ever get to sleep....)   
He got up out of bed and put his pants and shirt back on. He picked up his boots   
and pulled them on as well. Picking up a brush, he walked over to the mirror on   
the back of his door. He combed his hair and pulled his jacket off the   
coathanger to put it on.   
Squall whipped around as a loud clap of thunder erupted outside his window. He   
pulled back the curtains and looked outside. (Storm's coming.....) he thought.   
(Nothing better to do than go watch it come.)   
With that, he opened his door and proceeded down the hall.   
________________________________________________________________________________________________   
  
Squall walked across the giant room. He'd never looked at it closely. The   
ballroom was an enormous room with marble columns and a skylight in the ceiling.   
It reminded him of when he and Rinoa first met. How silly he must have looked;   
the ever-serious Squall Leonhart being led around the dance floor by his wrist   
by a girl he'd never met. He could only imagine Zell and Selphie on the other   
side of the room, pointing, laughing. Well, he couldn't change it now. But, that   
didn't matter, because he didn't want to. He liked the way everything had turned   
out. He wondered if the others felt the same way.....   
A clap of thunder brought him back to the ballroom. He was already across the   
room, at the entrance to the terrace. His eyes were fixed on the plains, as   
lightning bolts danced across the sky between the clouds. He walked straight   
ahead, not noticing the figure in the corner of the terrace.   
Squall decided that there were two things in the world that amazed him: first:   
Rinoa. She never ceased to fascinate him. And second: storms. He didn't know   
why, but next to Rinoa, they were the most amazing things he had ever seen. He   
looked on as the sky changed from black to blue to purple in a second.   
"*cough, cough*,"   
Squall's attention averted to the corner of the terrace. There sat Zell, asleep   
on the cold tile floor. (What's he doing up here asleep.......?)   
He started to walk over to him, when he stepped on something. He looked down.   
(Zell's gloves. He never takes them off.) He picked them up and knelt down by   
Zell. He put his hand on his shoulder. Squall watched him for a moment,   
wondering why he was up here asleep in the cold. Zell's face was buried in his   
arms. He shivered as a cold gust of wind came from the plains. He turned his   
face toward Squall, quivering in the frigid air that surrounded them. Tear   
streaks marred his face and his eyes were red.   
Squall was stricken by this sight. He had never seen Zell like this. Zell's head   
started to toss and turn. "....let 'em go.......hurt 'em, I'll kill you....." he   
whispered. His hands began to twitch and move as Squall watched in trepidation.   
"...let them....let them go....Squall....Rinoa.....Quistis.....Garden....I   
can't.......save you......I'm--I'm sorry.....I'I'm sorry, Squall....I   
couldn't.....couldn't save you," he breathed.   
Squall couldn't watch this anymore. "Zell.....," he said softly, shaking him.   
"Zell, wake up." He took him by the hand. His eyes looked down at Zell's wrist   
and palm. He picked up his other hand and examined it. There were dozens of   
thin, white scars on his hands. Squall held his wrist in his hand and traced the   
largest mark with his fingers. (Zell, what is this.....? Why?) he thought,   
disbelieving his own eyes.   
He looked down at Zell, who was now sleeping peacefully. The tear streaks stood   
out horribly on his pale face. He placed his hands on Zell's shoulders and shook   
him once more. "Zell, wake up...."   
He woke with a start. He looked around and finally up at Squall, who seemingly   
towered above him. He breathed heavily, shuddering.   
"Are you okay....?" Squall asked. "You just had a nightmare."   
"....y'yeah....I'm okay....," he answered shakily. He shut his eyes a moment and   
took a deep breath.   
"You sure....?" Squall asked.   
"Yeah, man.....said I'm okay, didn't I...?" he said. Squall stood and offered   
Zell his hand. Zell looked at it a second and then took it. Squall helped him   
stand and Zell leaned against the railing for support.   
Zell tried to regain his cocky exterior, but couldn't. That dream had shaken him   
too badly. The nightmares were coming more frequently now, since their first   
trip to Timber to help Rinoa and the Forest Owls. Since that moment in the TV   
Station.....   
Squall looked out onto the plains, not knowing what to say to him. He knew Zell   
wasn't okay, but what was he going to say? Was it better just to leave him   
alone? (That's what I'd want......) Squall thought. He glanced over at Zell out   
of the corner of his eye. He was leaning over the rail with his eyes closed.   
(C'mon, Squall......gotta say something......) he told himself.   
Zell turned around and started to leave toward the ballroom. Squall grabbed him   
by the arm. "What are you doing up here this time of night?" he asked. He let go   
of his arm.   
Zell halted and looked at him. "I could ask you the same thing."   
Squall knew he wouldn't get him to answer truthfully. But, still.......   
"Watching the storm. And you.....?" he asked again. They looked each other in   
the eye and Zell realized that Squall knew something was wrong. But, that didn't   
mean he was going to say anything. Squall was just curious. He didn't care about   
him. No, he wouldn't say a word.   
Zell lowered his head to look at the floor. "Nothin'," he mumbled, turning to   
leave again. Squall didn't stop him this time. He watched as the blond youth   
slowly walked into the ballroom and across the giant tile floor. He couldn't   
help but wonder what was wrong. (None of my business......)he thought to   
himself. Squall rolled his eyes and looked above his left shoulder.   
"Shut up for once," he ordered.   
(Why? It's true. It is none of your business. Don't start sticking your nose   
where it doesn't belong,) Cerberus said.   
(But, something's wrong,) Shiva said to him. (How can you ignore that? You saw   
him dreaming. He was talking to you, Squall. He was saying he was sorry. Go talk   
to him. Something's terribly wrong with him. You saw the marks on his wrists,)   
"............."   
Squall didn't know what to do. He was being pulled back and forth between lives.   
He could be the same old noncaring Squall or he could go talk to Zell. He   
remembered himself saying that he did care, but that there were just too many   
things that couldn't be helped. (You'll never forgive yourself if something   
happens to him and you didn't go to talk to him,) she said.   
Squall hung his head low. It was true.   
"Okay..... I'll do it in the morning, before breakfast. I'll talk to him," he   
said to himself.   
_______________________________________________________________________________________________   
  
Zell tossed and turned in his bed. He couldn't stop thinking about what Squall   
said. He sounded like he actually cared. But it wasn't true. It couldn't be   
true. Squall didn't care. He was just curious. Nothing more than that. It had   
been curiousity talking.   
Zell knew that Squall thought something was wrong with him. That made him   
nervous. (What if he tells someone.....? I'll get kicked out of SeeD......) What   
could he do? He couldn't bear to be discharged from SeeD. What was he going to   
do? He saw only one option.   
Zell got up out of his bed and pulled out the bottom drawer on his bedside   
table. He reached up inside the hole and pulled something off of the bottom of   
the middle drawer. He brought his hand back out and looked at what it held.   
A black film bottle.   
He took the cap off and spilled the contents into his hand. Small red pills. He   
picked out five of them and put them all in his mouth. He swallowed and put the   
bottle back in its place under the middle drawer. He put the bottom drawer back   
in, lied back down on his bed, and curled up with his knees to his chest. He   
shut his eyes tight and looked at a picture of him and the others together that   
was on his table. He reached out and touched it with two fingers.   
"Forgive me, you guys......."   



	2. Nightmare's Persist

  
  
"Many men on the point of an edifying death would be furious if they were to be suddenly restored to health."  
  
Cesare Pavese (1908-1950) Italian novelist  
  
  
Chapter 2--Nightmare's Persist  
  
Zell woke in his bed. He looked over at the clock. (7:37......) he thought. He looked down at the middle drawer longingly. He wanted so bad to go back to sleep and lose himself. He had no desire to face the world this day. Or Squall, for that matter. If he saw him, he would start asking questions; questions that Zell wouldn't give any answers to. And then Squall would either tell everyone or keep it to himself. Keeping it to himself was the most likely of the two.  
  
Even so, nothing would come of it, either way. He would be gone before this day was over, so it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He only had to get up and face the world one last day, and then it would be over.   
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Squall walked into the cafeteria, scanning the room for Zell. He worked his way across the room looking around. Zell never missed breakfast. He finally spotted him in the back corner of the room, sitting alone at a small square table. He'd already eaten and was sitting there doing nothing except looking at the tabletop.  
  
Squall walked over to him and pulled up a chair. Zell either didn't notice or didn't care, because he said nothing. Squall sat there for a minute, waiting for him to say something. He glanced up.  
  
"Yeah, what is it?" he said plainly, with no kind of emotion in his voice.  
  
"Just wanna talk to you for a few minutes," Squall answered. They looked at each other and Zell turned his face away.  
  
"Talk? You? That's a first," he replied bitterly.  
  
He drummed his fingers on the table while he looked at the floor. Squall watched his hands. He could see fresh bandages sticking out from underneath his gloves. Zell noticed Squall glancing at his hands and he quickly moved them under the table out of sight.   
  
"So? What is it?" Zell asked, beginning to become impatient. He looked up at Squall once again, a neutral look on his face.   
  
"About last night," Squall said. He watched Zell carefully: the way he acted, the way he spoke. There was something wrong, Squall knew that much. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I don't wanna talk about last night," he replied flatly. "You said it yourself. I just had a nightmare. Nothing to talk about."  
  
"I didn't mean it that *way*, Zell. I think there is something to talk about," Squall said.  
  
"I don't wanna talk about it," Zell answered, his attitude becoming hostile. He started to get up to leave, but Squall stopped him.  
  
"Zell, wait. Stay for just a minute and then you can leave," Squall said, grabbing his shirt sleeve. Zell turned around and looked at him.   
  
"I can leave right now. I don't have to have your permission," Zell stated, turning to leave once again. He pushed his chair up and began to walk away. Squall got up and followed him out of the cafeteria. Zell walked quickly down the hallway.   
  
"Zell, *stop*." Squall caught up with him and snatched him violently by the wrist before he could get any further away.   
  
Zell cried out in pain and Squall released his wrist abruptly. Zell took his wrist and held it to him, gasping. "God......."  
  
"Zell, I-"  
  
"Just don't, Squall. You wanna help me? Then just leave me alone," he gasped, cradling his right wrist. He then continued down the hall. Squall followed, once again.  
  
"Zell, listen....I'm just asking you to listen to me for a few minutes. You're hiding something and I want to know what it is," Squall explained. Zell walked onward toward the dorms. "What's wrong with you?"  
  
".............It's none of your business," he replied quietly as they reached his room.  
  
"That's what I told myself. But I can't help it, Zell, you've got me worried. There, I said it. I don't know of any other way to say it. I just want to talk. Please."  
  
Zell inserted the key into the doorknob and turned it. "Look, I said 'no', alright? I don't want to talk about it. Not now, not ever. No." His wrist throbbed from Squall's grabbing it. But his wrists had felt so good the night before. It had made him forget about everything. He had to hurry and make Squall leave so he could clean up the blood stains by his bed. It had dripped everywhere. He started to enter his room.  
  
"Zell........I know about your wrists."  
  
Zell froze in his tracks.  
  
"So, I'm right? You did that? *Why*?" Squall asked.  
  
".........It's none of your business, Squall. Stay out." With that, he went in and shut the door. Squall put his hand on the doorframe.  
  
"Zell....open the door. I just want to talk," Squall said.  
  
Inside, Zell sat on his bed against the wall, with his knees to his chest tightly. He shut his eyes, rocking himself back and forth. He breathed shakily, putting his head down on his knees. He shuddered. He couldn't think. He was more scared than he had ever been in his entire life. Squall was at his door, asking what was wrong. He didn't know what to do.  
  
"Zell, open the door," he heard Squall say. Zell shook his head, gritting his teeth.  
  
"Go away!!!" he cried. "Please, just leave me *alone*......" he whispered.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Squall didn't see Zell again for the rest of the day. He hadn't been in class or come to lunch. He couldn't stop thinking about the marks he saw on his wrists and the way he reacted when he asked about them. He didn't even think about the bandages when he grabbed him. He was right. Zell had been slitting his wrists.  
  
He walked to the training center by himself, hoping to find Zell there. Squall had to talk to him.   
  
He entered the training center and took the right path. He walked around, searching for Zell. Suddenly, a Grat jumped out of the bushes and hit him with it's tentacles. Squall stepped back, and drew his gunblade. With one swipe, the Grat fell. The Grats were a challenge when he was younger, but now they were just annoying.  
  
He continued down the path, looking around. He spotted Zell in a nearby tree. He was high up in the branches, looking down from a thick limb. He looked straight at Squall and without a sound, he stepped off into the air.   
  
Squall's heart skipped a beat.  
  
Zell plummeted down to the ground, his body and head striking almost every branch and limb possible on the way down the tree. He screamed as the sharp twigs scraped across his face. There was a sickening crunch as his chest slammed against a thick limb.  
  
Squall sprinted to the base of the tree to break his fall, his arms outstretched. At the last moment, he caught him. Squall collapsed to the ground, Zell's limp body in his arms. He sat up on his knees and pulled Zell tightly to him. His head rolled over to one side and Squall placed his hand underneath to support it. He lifted his head up to lie it on his shoulder. His face was calm: strangely, disturbingly calm. No expression of any kind lie on his face and that frightened Squall. Zell was always smiling, laughing, glaring at someone; he was never calm. Squall gently placed his hand over the tattoo on the side of his face.  
  
"Zell....?" he said anxiously, shaking him. This was one of the few times in Squall's life that he had ever been truly frightened. Blood ran down Zell's cheek from a cut on the top of his head. It ran down inbetween Squall's fingers, filling the spaces in between so much that it overflowed onto the back of his gloved hand. "Zell....?!" Squall said. He breathed hoarsely, the air rasping terribly in his throat. He shivered, as if he was cold. He started to cough and Squall turned him over, face down. He coughed up blood violently and then moved no more. Squall turned him back over and looked at him. Squall placed his hand over the wound on Zell's head while he held him up. "Curaga."  
  
A faint green light surrounded Zell and disappeared as the bleeding obediently came to an end. Squall once again called his name.   
  
His eyes fluttered open very slightly. He moaned and started to cough again. Blood ran down the corner of his mouth. Squall turned him over once more and held him tightly. He coughed up bright red blood into a small puddle on the ground. He breathed hard, trying to catch his breath. Squall turned him back over and put his hand over the tattoo, holding his head up. Cure spells weren't going to do anything more.  
  
"Zell...why? Why did you do this?" he asked. Zell looked up at him. He tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. His eyes rolled back into his head as it fell over onto Squall's shoulder and his face calmed.  
  
Squall lifted him up into his arms and ran back the way he had come. He ran out of the training center as fast as he could, carrying Zell. He ignored the countless Grats that leaped out of the bushes at him. He either went around them or through them, shielding Zell from their tentacles, trying to get out as quickly as he could. He ran through the large metal door that separated the center and the entrance. Proceeding down the entrance hall, a small group of students walked toward him. He didn't slow down for them.  
  
"Get outta my way!!!!! Get the hell outta my way!!!!!" he bellowed. The students quickly parted to let him pass. One of the females started to follow him.  
  
"Squall, wait!!" Nida yelled after him. However, she knew he would do no such thing. Squall knew his priorities, and right then, Zell was on the top of his list. She ran after him, leaving the other students to watch in the middle of the hallway. She tried to catch up with him, but even with Zell's weight slowing him, he was still faster than her. She ran down the main hall after him as fast as she could run.   
  
Squall ran down the entrance hall to the infirmary and yet another band of students obstructed his path.   
  
"Move!!!!" They, too, parted so he could pass. He tightened his grip on Zell and plowed through the metal door, even as it began to hiss open.   
  
Dr. Kadowaki was sitting at her computer when Squall burst into the room. He stared at her, breathing hard. There was a look of desperation on his face she had never seen on him before, and it frightened her.   
  
She quickly rose from her desk. "Squall, what-- What happened?!!" she exclaimed, rounding her desk and opening the door to the small emergency room. Squall took him in and lay him on the metal table in the middle of the room. He couldn't speak. Dr. Kadowaki saw this and was frightened further. Squall was never one to panic. If anyone panicked about anything, it wasn't Squall Leonhart.  
  
Squall's rush of adrenaline was gone. What was left was pure fear for Zell, who lie motionless on the table.   
  
"Tell me what happened later. Go call for Nida on the--"  
  
Nida burst into the room.   
  
"Squall, go wait outside please," Dr. Kadowaki said as she guided him out the door. He looked back at Zell as the door shut behind him and was locked from the inside.  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________   
  
The table was cold. He could hear someone standing over him, telling him he could make it. He could feel them cut his shirt off of his torso.  
  
Zell opened his eyes slightly. Hands were placed on the side of his head keep him still. The lights were so bright. They hurt his eyes. There was a flash of light and he was no longer on the cold metal table. He was in the orphanage. The seven year old watched from the corner as a blond woman filled out papers at a desk. A man sat beside her, telling her what to write down.  
  
When they finished, he walked out with the couple to their car. He got in the back seat and sat next to a red headed boy.  
  
"Great, another brat little foster brother," the boy complained. He slapped Zell in the back of the head.  
  
Another flash of light and it was weeks later. He was on the stairs, listening to his foster parents talk.   
  
"We have to take him back. We can't afford to keep him anymore. He's more trouble than he's worth," the blond woman said.  
  
"We'll take him back in the morning," the man said.  
  
Zell stood up and walked into the bathroom. He picked up a razor blade and held it to his wrist. He had seen it done in so many movies. It was so easy. He slid the blade across his veins, spilling bright red blood down his arm. It just stung for a few seconds, then bit into his wrist horribly. He grasped it with his other hand and went into the hallway. The blood dripped onto the tan carpet as he went down the stairs.  
  
The blond woman jumped up from her seat. "He's getting blood on my new carpet! John, get him!"  
  
He stood as well and picked Zell up off the floor.  
  
There was another flash, and then darkness.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Rinoa sat next to Squall in the waiting room. She watched as Squall sat there by her, staring at the floor. She leaned against him, but recieved no recognition that she was even there.  
  
Squall was in shock. Zell had tried to commit suicide in front of his eyes. Squall had never been disturbed so deeply. He didn't feel anything. His body was numb, void of any kind of feeling. He realized that nothing he could have done would have prepared him for that moment in the training center when Zell had tried to take his own life. No amount of emotional self-training could have prepared him for that.  
  
Irvine paced around the room wildly, unable to keep still. Zell had been a pain sometimes, but now that he had tried to kill himself, he couldn't stand it. Zell had made a comment about no one having to put up with him for much longer a few days before, but Irvine hadn't taken it seriously. And he hated himself for it. If he had known this would happen, he would have said something. Anything, to keep him from this.   
  
Quistis sat calmly in the corner of the room near Rinoa and Squall. Inside, she was wild with fear. She had always worried about Zell. But to do something like this..... She didn't know what to feel.   
  
Selphie was in Trabia, helping rebuild. Irvine sent a messenger after he was called to the infirmary about Zell. The letter didn't say what had happened, only that he was hurt and that she needed to come home. The letter would hopefully reach her soon, within a day.  
  
Rinoa wrapped her arms around Squall firmly and closed her eyes. He didn't move, but continued to stare at the floor. Rinoa got down in the floor in front of him and put her hands on his knees. She looked up and into his hazel eyes.  
  
"Squall.....?"  
  
He could only stare at her. His chest hurt. An iron hand was squeezing his heart, his breathing labored. He sat motionless, looking at Rinoa as his face got colder. He started to quiver.  
  
"You've got the shakes," she said, alarmed. "You need to lie down."  
  
Pain skewered his chest and he involuntarily placed a hand there. Rinoa tried to help him up, but he was too weak. His hands were going numb, his fingers cramping. He leaned forward more, breaking out into a profuse cold sweat. Irvine pulled him up out of the chair and over to a small couch where he lay down. Squall shut his eyes, breathing rapid, shallow breaths.  
  
Rinoa panicked.  
  
He could vaguely hear her calling for a medic over the speaker system that ran throughout Garden. He tried to tell her that he was alright, that he needed a paper bag, but he couldn't talk. He knew what was happening, but he couldn't tell her. She wiped his face with a cool, wet cloth. He knew what was going to happen, but he was too exhausted to fight it. He shut his eyes as pain stabbed his chest again.  
  
"Squall...?" Rinoa said. Terrified, she dabbed his face again.  
  
He opened his eyes for her, trying to tell her what was happening, but nothing would come. He felt like he was falling far and fast. Then nothing.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
By the time the next half hour was over, Squall was resting in a small bed in the infirmary.  
  
Irvine, Quistis and Rinoa were in the room with him, by his bed. He sat up.  
  
"Any word on Zell? Is he okay?" he asked.  
  
"Don't think about that now," Rinoa ordered. "You need to rest and be quiet."  
  
"They've already given me something to be quiet. I am being quiet."  
  
"You're a wreck."  
  
"I'm not a wreck, Rinoa," he said, becoming irritated.  
  
"You almost had a heart attack!"  
  
"I had muscle spasms and hyperventilated. I know exactly what I had. I had nothing that a paper bag and a hot bath wouldn't have taken care of."  
  
"Well," Quistis said," they aren't going to let you out until they're sure you won't have anymore spasms."  
  
"You don't fool around with chest pain, Squall," Irvine said.  
  
"My heart is fine. They'll let me out when I say so."  
  
"You're noncompliant," Quistis sighed.  
  
"Most good soldiers are."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki stepped into the room, carrying a medical chart. "How are you feeling, Squall?"  
  
"I'm not worried about me," he answered, getting up. "How's Zell doing?"  
  
"We found....several different drugs in his system. Valium, morphine, muscle relaxants......we were fortunate enough to get the muscle relaxants and valium pills out of his stomach before he could digest them. I don't know how he could have gotten them, unless he gets them from outside of Garden. Does he ever ask to leave when you're on missions, Squall? I mean to go somewhere or meet someone?"  
  
"Yeah....He does it every time we're in Timber. He says he has to go meet someone at the pub. He always has plenty of money before he goes, that I know. I asked him how much money he had one time, and he told me he had twenty Gil. He had more than that, though. I watched him take it out and count it. He couldn't have had less than fifty," Squall answered.  
  
"From the marks on his wrists, he's attempted suicide several times before. If he wasn't serious before, he was extremely serious tonight. He figured if the fall didn't kill him, the drugs would. Why would he do this? Do any of you have any idea why?" Dr. Kadowaki asked them.  
  
Squall looked at the floor. "No. I don't know why. I found him on the terrace last night, asleep. There were scars on his wrists, like he'd been slitting them for a long time."  
  
"Yes. He has several fresh cuts on his wrists now. Those scars you saw are at least a few years old. Some of them older than that," she explained.  
  
"He had a nightmare about us. He was trying to save us from something, but he couldn't. I tried to talk to him about it this morning, but he wouldn't talk about it. That's when I saw the bandages on his wrists," Squall said, crossing his arms.  
  
"He'll need all of the support you can give him in the next few days. He'll be feeling a kind of isolation you can't imagine," Dr. Kadowaki said. "You all know that Zell believes he caused the bombing of Trabia Garden. In truth, it might not have happened if he hadn't slipped and said something. But then again, it might have happened anyway. But the fact is, he's ashamed of it. He sees himself as a failure. To him, failing to kill himself is just another thing he's failed at. This event will add to his self-destructive behavior if you all let it."  
  
"I don't see how anyone could try to kill themselves...." Quistis said quietly.  
  
"That's because you're not Zell, Quistis. You don't know anything that goes on inside his head. The things people say and do affect why a person would try to kill himself. We won't know why Zell did this until he wakes up and decides to tell us. Like I said, he'll be feeling a kind of isolation none of you can possibly fathom. He might not want to tell us anything. It will be your jobs to break that barrier and get him to speak out, or he will never recover."  
  
"I still don't understand why he would do this..." Irvine said, shaking his head. "He said something to me about us not having to put up with him much longer the other day, but....I'I didn't think anything of it, not seriously. I thought he might have been hinting at suicide, but I didn't think he'd actually try to carry it out......."  
  
Dr. Kadowaki looked at him sympathetically. "He told you that to try to get your attention. He was trying to tell you that he needed help, Irvine. That was what he wanted: your attention. I examined the scars on his wrists and the oldest ones were just quick dashes. Those kinds of cuts are cries for help, Irvine. When he did those, he wasn't sure if that was what he wanted. As the scars got more recent, they intensified into longer gashes, one running down the vein in his left arm," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. She then looked around at all of them. "He wanted all of your attentions. He was hoping that Irvine would go back and tell the rest of you, but he didn't. That's a common mistake. A person tries to get another's attention through suddle remarks like that, but the listener doesn't take them seriously or is afraid to say anything for fear of taking the comment wrongly. It's a common mistake, but in many cases, leading to the death of the person who needed help. I'm not blaming you, Irvine, but you should have taken it seriously."  
  
Irvine bowed his head and crossed his arms. He said nothing.  
  
"Also, I will need you to watch him for the next few days while I am gone to visit my family. My mother is very ill and needs my attention. It would be better for one of you to stay with him as much as possible, especially before he wakes up. The last thing he needs is to wake up and be alone. Do you all understand?" Dr. Kadowaki said.  
  
"Yes. When are you leaving?" Squall asked.  
  
"Within the hour. If anything happens, Nida will know what to do. I need to go pack now. My train leaves in two hours," she said, turning to leave.  
  
"Doctor?" Squall said from behind her. She turned around. "Can we see him....?"  
  
She thought for a moment and then answered. ".....Yes. One of you stay with him the rest of the night, but not all of you. He'll be disoriented when he wakes up, he won't know where he is. It would be for the best if he not wake up to an empty or a full room. Zell just wants to know that he's cared for, loved. It will be hard for him to accept affection from any of you. Except........... Squall, before you brought Zell here, did he look at you after you caught him? Was he conscious for any amount of time?"  
  
".......Yeah. I asked him why he did it and he looked up at me for a few seconds and then he passed out."  
  
"You're the last person Zell remembers, Squall. All he will remember will be being in your arms, you asking him why he tried to kill himself. You're the last person he remembers caring anything about him. Remember that fact and use it," she said.  
  
"I'll stay with him tonight, in case he wakes up," Squall said. Dr. Kadowaki nodded.  
  
"You can go and see him now. But none of you stay too long, except for you, Squall. You staying with him will be good. He trusts you. I have to go now. I will see you all hopefully in a few days," she said and left the room.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Squall hesitated to turn the doorknob, as if he was afraid to enter the dark room. The others stood behind him, waiting patiently. Rinoa touched his arm, looking up at him.  
  
"We don't have to see him now, Squall....We can wait," she said. Squall shook his head and turned the doorknob. They entered as the light from the doorway landed on the bed and lonely sound of a heart monitor flooded the room. In the bed lie a battered Zell Dincht. His chest was bandaged heavily. The cut on his head was bandaged, but if one looked, the blood was still visible in his hair. Sticking out from underneath the blankets was his left hand and from it, an IV. He breathed shallow and slowly.  
  
No one in the room spoke as they approached the bed. Quistis covered her mouth and withdrew from the room. Irvine went after her and that left Squall and Rinoa. Rinoa put her arms around Squall and looked at him.  
  
"What did we do wrong, Squall?" she asked him.  
  
"I don't know...I can't help thinking I could have done something to keep him from this," he said.  
  
"Squall, none of us knew he was like this. You saved him from dying. That's the most any of us could do," Rinoa said.  
  
"Is it, Rinoa? I don't think so....I could have done something before he did this, if I'd only listened to him more closely. Paid attention. I would have seen something wasn't right, but I was in my own world. He wouldn't be here in this bed if it wasn't for me."  
  
Rinoa looked down at Zell. "You're right, Squall. He wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. He wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for you."  
  
"I'm gonna watch over him for the rest of the night. You go back to your room," Squall said, sitting down in the chair next to the bed.  
  
"I want to stay here with you."  
  
"You can't. You heard Dr. Kadowaki. I'm the only one supposed to stay here. Please don't argue. I don't feel like it, Rinoa."  
  
She looked down at him and sighed. "Okay.....I'll go," she said and started out the door. She stopped and looked back. "But I want it known that I do so under extreme protest!!"  
  
A small smile appeared on Squall's face, but was gone as soon as she shut the door. He moved his chair closer to the bed and picked up Zell's hand. "I wish you could tell me why you did this, Zell..... I tried to talk to you earlier, but you wouldn't tell me anything. This was what you were hiding? That you were going to do this? Dr. Kadowaki said you wanted our attention. God, Zell, you just needed to ask me if it was this bad.... You've got my attention, now. Just wake up and tell me why. Even if it's just for five minutes, wake up."  
  
He watched Zell for a moment, lying there motionless. It was then Squall realized that Zell was not going to talk back. He put his hand down and stood up. He put his hands on his chest, gesturing toward himself. "You have to tell me something!! Tell me what I did or what someone else did, I don't care, just tell me something! What made you do this?! Was it *me*? Or someone else? Tell me something......" he said, sitting back down. "Anything....."  
  
He propped his head up on his hand, leaning on the bed. He placed his other hand over Zell's and closed his eyes.  
  
Long after Squall had fallen asleep, there was a rustle on the bed. Zell opened his eyes to look up at the ceiling. He coughed several times and Squall woke. Zell continued to cough, then slowly stopped, breathing lightly.  
  
"Zell?" Squall said, picking his hand up, being careful of the IV.   
  
He moaned and tried to sit up. "Uhhhg...!" The pain in his ribs brought him back down. "W'where......where am I....?.....what...who...."  
  
"It's okay, it's Squall. You're here with *me* in the infirmary. How are you feeling?" Squall said.  
  
"T'the infirmary....? No! Why am I....? I wanted to die, why did you.....? I can't-- I just wanted to die!" he cried and sat up, ignoring the pain it brought to his chest. "I didn't wanna be saved! I wanted--I--"  
  
Zell pulled his knees up to his chest and put his head down on them. He began to sob, gasping for breath. Squall watched in trepidation, once again, not knowing what to do.  
  
"I just--I wanted to--just wanted to die....why did you stop me....? You don't-- you can't understand what--why I--" With each word he gasped for breath, as tears flowed down his cheeks.  
  
Squall put his hand on Zell's shoulder. Zell cringed away from him, shutting his eyes tightly. "Don't! Don't touch me! Just stay away........stay away.....please...."  
  
Squall hesitated. He watched Zell sitting on the bed crying in front of him, not knowing what he should do. He watched as the tears rolled down his cheeks, dropping off to the blanket below him. Squall got up and sat next to him on the bed.   
  
"Come here to me," he said, putting his arms around him. Again, Zell protested, trying to get him to let go.  
  
"Let go, Squall!....Just leave me alone......! Let me go!" He tried to push him away, his attempts getting weaker as Squall held on to him. His angry cries turned to sobs as he was pulled closer to Squall. "Let go.....! Let me go......." he whispered. "Please......"  
  
His arms wrapped around Zell, Squall pulled him as close as he could. He stroked Zell's hair back, trying to calm him. "Shhhhhhhhh........It's okay......Just be still.....Everything's okay....you're with me...you're safe......" he whispered to him. Zell's sobs slowly ebbed away to nothing and sat there with his eyes closed.   
  
"Why..... are you doing this...? You don't...care...." he whispered. He began to tremble terribly, shutting his eyes tight. He pulled his knees up to his chest once again. Squall tightened his grip on him and removed his glove to feel of Zell's cheeks.  
  
"You're cold as ice. Here," he said, pulling the blanket up around his shoulders and holding it to him. He waited for him to calm down a moment, and then looked down at him. "Are you alright...?" he asked.  
  
Zell didn't answer. He was so tired and weak he couldn't say anything. That small burst of energy had come from shock and now was gone. He kept his eyes barely open, leaning up against Squall. His eyes finally shut involuntarily and Squall lifted his chin up to see his face.  
  
"Zell.....? Are you okay...?" he asked again.   
  
"......yeah........I'm okay...."  
  
"Just go back to sleep, alright? Everything'll be okay. We'll get through this together." Squall gently lied him back down and Zell looked up at him.  
  
"...Sorry.....I...got a little... crazyheaded for a minute....." he said, closing his eyes.  
  
"Don't worry about it. Just go back to sleep. We'll talk in the morning," Squall said, getting up. Zell's hand reached out quickly and touched the sleeve of his leather jacket. Squall sat back down and took Zell's hand.  
  
"....please, don't leave me.....I'm *scared*, please don't leave me......I don't wanna be alone......" Zell whispered. It was barely audible, but Squall heard it.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm staying *here*, I'm not leaving you. I'll be here all night, no matter what happens," he answered reassuringly.  
  
Zell wasn't listening. He was already asleep. Squall couldn't help but wonder how he had kept all of that anger and fear pent up inside him without anyone knowing. He somehow knew that what he had just seen was the tip of the iceberg. He didn't know how he knew, he just knew that Zell needed help desperately; at what cost, Squall didn't care. Squall could give up his time, anything that would help him.   
  
This was going to be a long road back to the Zell they all knew and loved.  
  
  



	3. All Eyes on Me

Note:Sorry it took so long to put this up. I've been stuck on this chapter trying to decide whether to leave a part I wrote in or to take it out. You'll find out which part it is at the end of the chapter. Also, to all who are following this story and keeping an open mind, thanks. I'm getting a lot of positive feedback about this. I truly didn't think I could write good enough to get that kind of praise. Thanks, 

Phoenixcadet 

Now, on with the story!! 

************************************************************************************************ Chapter 3--All Eyes on Me 

Rinoa slowly walked down the entrance hall to the infirmary. Irvine and Quistis followed, all of them dreading the return to the infirmary to see Zell. Rinoa understood why Squall had had her leave the night before. He wasn't just following orders: he had wanted her to leave. She had pretended to leave, staying outside the door to listen to what had been said. She couldn't help but feel that she had betrayed Squall's trust by staying. Those words had been meant for Zell and Zell alone. Not for her or anyone else to hear. She felt sorry, but she couldn't say anything for fear of Squall getting angry at her. 

They entered the infirmary and went through the door that lead to a small hallway. Rinoa peered into the room where Zell lie. She motioned for the others to stay outside while she went in. She tiptoed across the room to Squall, who lie asleep in the chair by the bed. She shook him lightly. 

"Wake up, sleepy-head," she giggled. 

He woke with a start. "What??" 

He looked up at Rinoa in mock anger and then got up. "Let's talk out here," he said, walking to the door. They went out into the hallway where the others were and he shut the door almost all the way. 

Irvine leaned against the wall, his hat hiding his eyes from anyone who would look. Quistis stood near him, in the same fashion, but with nothing to hide her expression. 

"Did he wake up last night...?" Quistis asked. 

Squall looked at the floor. What could he say? If he answered 'yes', they would want to know what was said. If he answered 'no', he would be lying. He didn't want to lie to them, but.... He finally decided that what had happened between Zell and himself the night before was best kept that way: between Zell and himself. "No." "Well, we'll just have to keep our cools until he does. Even after that, we gotta stay calm, for Zell's sake," Irvine said, speaking up. He immediately regreted it. "Don't you think we know that?!" Quistis snapped. Irvine held up his hands in defense. 

"Hey, hey, I was just making sure we were all on the same page, Quistis! Geez...." he said. He stood looking at her, the discontent on his face obvious. "Just calm down, both of you," Rinoa said. 

"...I'm sorry I snapped, Irvine. This situation's getting to me," Quistis said. 

Irvine looked at her and shook his head. "I love women," he declared. "I don't understand everything about 'em yet, but I love 'em." 

"What's that supposed to--" Quistis was cut off by the intercom. 

*Squall Leonhart, report to the bridge. I repeat, Squall Leonhart report to the bridge. That is all.* 

"That's Xu," Irvine said, looking up at the speaker. 

"What does she want now...?" Squall sighed. 

"You'd better go, Squall. You know how Xu can get," Quistis said. 

"Yeah.....I'll be back as quick as I can. If Zell wakes up, tell him I got called to the bridge and that I'll be back here directly." With that said, he left the room. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Squall stepped out of the elevator and into the small passage to the bridge. Before the large wooden doors stood Xu. She was in her SeeD uniform, looking very distinguished. The look on her face was neutral. She sat down on a small couch by the doorway and motioned for him to do the same. 

"No, thank you. I won't be staying long. I was busy, you know," Squall said. He crossed his arms and stood in front of the elevator door. 

"I know. Dr. Kadowaki told me last night about Zell's *stunt* in the training center," she said. 

Squall arched an eyebrow. "Back up, Xu. *Stunt*?? He tried to commit suicide, Xu. That doesn't qualify as a stunt in my book." "Are you sure that was what he was doing, Squall? Are you sure he was trying to kill himself or was it something else...?" she scoffed. 

"For God's sake, yes!! I saw him jump from that tree, Xu. I was there. I know exactly what he was doing," Squall said angrily. He was going to leave if this was what she had wanted to tell him. 

"Did he see you, Squall? Before he jumped, did he see you? He knew you were there and that you would save him. He wasn't planning on dying," she said, getting up from her seat. 

"What are you saying, Xu?" 

"I'm simply saying this: That *stunt*," she said, putting even more emphasis on the word this time, "was Zell trying to get attention. Nothing more to it than that. It was a stunt, and I'm not falling for it. You and the others can treat him however you want, but he will get no sympathy from me." 

Squall looked at her hotly, anger inside him boiling to no end. He stalked toward her, backing her toward the wall. "You stay away from him then," he declared, looking her in the eye. 

"Are you threatening me, Squall? If so, we can fix that," she said. "That wasn't a threat. That was a demand. Understand me right, next time," Squall said. 

"I'm just saying that I'm not falling for it. You shouldn't, either. He only wanted attention," Xu said. 

"Don't say anything like that again. I know Zell. You've had your ideas in the past, Xu, but to think Zell would turn something like suicide into an attempt to get attention.... I just don't even know what to say to that. I'm going back to the infirmary. Talk to me when you have something intelligent to say." 

With that said, Squall turned around and walked back to the elevator. Xu watched as the doors opened and he stepped inside. 

"Don't let it get in front of your job, Squall," she said as the doors started to close. 

"My friends come first, Xu. Especially now." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The door to the infirmary hallway slid open and Irvine turned his head to see an obviously indignant Squall come toward him. Irvine raised an eyebrow as Squall leaned against the wall beside him. 

"You don't look happy. What'd Xu say to you?" he asked. 

"She started spilling all this stuff about Zell only wanting attention and that he wasn't trying to kill himself," he said angrily. 

"That's a bunch o' bull hockey. He wouldn't do something like this to get attention. We've known Zell since we were all little kids except for Rinoa," Irvine said with a wave of his hand. Quistis, who was standing against the other wall, spoke up. 

"What would drive Xu to make such an accusation???" she said, a puzzled look on her face. "She's never said anything like that before......" 

"I don't know," Squall replied. "She said that we can treat this however we want to, but that Zell would get no sympathy from her. Why she would say something like that, I don't know. Right now, I don't really care. The fact of the matter is she said it. And I don't like it." 

"That's just not like Xu at all to be that cold. I'll talk to her. We get along pretty well," Quistis said. 

"I just think it's for the best that Xu not have any contact with Zell for the time being. And I told her as much," Squall said. 

Rinoa's head poked around the corner of the doorway to Zell's room. "You guys? Zell's awake." 

The three of them looked at Squall. Irvine and Quistis motioned at him to go on in without them. Squall nodded and he slipped into the room with Rinoa and shut the door. 

Zell lie in the bed with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling. Rinoa and Squall walked and sat in chairs on opposite sides of the bed. There was an awkward silence as Squall contemplated what to say. It was Rinoa who finally broke the silence. 

"Zell......" She found that she, too, was at a loss for words. 

"You don't have to say anything, Rinoa. I know," Zell answered, still gazing up at the ceiling. 

"We were all worried about you last night, Zell. We're just glad you're okay," she said. 

He closed his eyes. "Sorry.....Rinoa....I need to talk to Squall for a minute.....could you......?" 

"Of course. I'll go. If you need anything, Quistis, Irvine, and I will be outside," she said, and got up to leave the room. There was silence after the door shut. Squall looked down at the floor. What was he going to say to him? There was so much in his mind that he wanted to know, but couldn't put words to. He had never been in this situation before. 

"Think I'm stupid, don't you?" Zell said after a moment. He still stared at the ceiling, his arms crossed over his chest. 

"No, Zell, I don't think you're stupid," Squall replied quietly. 

"Why not? I tried to off myself. Why wouldn't you think I'm stupid? I'm sure that's what the others think." 

"No one thinks you're stupid, Zell. They just don't understand why you tried to kill yourself. *I* don't understand why you tried to kill yourself," Squall said. Zell looked over at him and sat up. It was difficult for him, but he refused any help from Squall. 

"Since when have you tried to understand me, Squall? Since when did you give a whit about me? I didn't want to be saved, I told you that last night. I wanted to die. Why didn't you respect that?" he asked, looking Squall in the eyes. They faced off at each other for a minute, Zell with his intensely blue eyes and Squall with his hazel eyes. It was Squall who finally gave in and turned away. He couldn't look into his eyes anymore. He had never thought such levels of pain and anger existed. And to be seen in Zell's eyes? He'd never expected that. 

"Why not, Squall? I've been a thorn in your side ever since the SeeD entrance exam. Just admit it, okay? You could've just let me die in the training center and your problems with me would've been over. Why did you save me? Was it because it was your job? SeeD, save people? Was that it? Don't bother telling me you cared whether I lived or died. Don't lie to me," he said. 

Tears glazed his eyes. Until the night before, Squall had never thought he would see Zell cry. Zell acted so tough all the time it just seemed unnatural. He was stunned the night before when he had begun to cry in front of him. He hadn't expected it. When he started to cry, the tears just came as they pleased. Squall, nor anyone else, had had any idea that that kind of emotion had made a bed inside Zell. 

It was true that he'd never paid any attention to him. There were a lot of times when Zell just didn't exist to him at all. What did that do to a person? To be acknowledged as being nothing? What kind of mark did that leave? He knew now what it lead to. It lead to this. The irrevocable pain and suffering of being alone, as he was when Ellone left the orphanage. It wasn't the same kind of pain, to be ignored, but Squall knew that it was every bit the equal to that pain he had felt. The burning sensation that one was alone in the world. That the world around you would pick you up and drop you at its leisure, just for fun. He felt that same pain everyday, even though they had all told him that they wouldn't abandon him, that they wouldn't leave him to fend for himself. 

That pain had swallowed him when he was small; what was done was done. But he was not going to allow it to swallow Zell, as it had done himself so long ago. He was not. 

"Zell.....all I saw when you jumped out of that tree was a friend of mine about to kill himself. I didn't save you because it was my job. Ask Dr. Kadowaki what I looked like when I brought you into the infirmary. Ask Nida. If it was because of my job, I wouldn't have stayed to see if you were going to be alright. I wouldn't have stayed up last night for the primary reason of making sure you weren't alone when you woke up. Zell, I wouldn't be here *now* if it was my job," Squall said. 

Zell faltered. "Tha--that's not true.....You don't care about me. You never have. No one ever has. I'm just here." 

"Zell, *that's* not true. We all care about you," Squall said. 

He turned his face away as he shut his eyes tightly. "Don't lie to me, Squall! You can't! I'm not stupid!" 

Squall picked up his hand, but Zell snatched it away. He then touched his shoulder, getting down below his eye level. He looked up at Zell. "Look at my face. Look at my face, Zell, and tell me I'm lying. We all care about you, you just don't--" 

"Stop it!!" he barked. He cringed away from Squall toward the other side of the bed. "Don't lie to me!!" 

"Zell--" 

"Don't!!!" he said. "Just leave......" 

Squall looked at him a moment. He didn't want to leave him alone. "I... can't leave, Zell......" he said, choosing his words carefully. "I don't want to leave." 

"Can't or don't want to....? You said both. Which is it?" Zell asked, looking down at the bed. 

"I don't want to. You don't need to be alone right now. You don't have to talk to me, but I'm staying here." 

Silence. 

"Has anyone told Ma and Pa?" he asked after a minute. 

"No. We didn't think you'd want them to know, so we didn't tell them," Squall answered. 

Zell bit his bottom lip. "......thanks." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Zell wouldn't talk to anyone. Quistis, Irvine, Rinoa, Nida, Squall; they all tried. He wouldn't tell them anything about why he had tried to kill himself. He would either tell them to leave or he wouldn't talk; he would just stare at the bed and not say anything at all. 

They stood in the hallway outside Zell's room. Rinoa had stayed in the room and was trying to talk to him. As usual, Irvine leaned against the wall next to Quistis. He wondered if the letter had reached Selphie yet. He had sent the messenger by boat and had told him that the letter was urgent. Selphie's happy-go-lucky manner would be well appreciated. But then again, would she be the same at a time like this? 

"Just give him some time," Nida said to Squall. 

"I know. I don't want to pressure him but.......I need to know why he did this, Nida. I need to know if it was something I did that made him do this." 

"You can't think about what *you* need right now, Squall," she said. She looked up at him sympathetically. "You have to think about what *Zell* needs. About what he's in need of. Not what Squall needs. You and the others have to be willing to give him what he needs, even if he doesn't know or thinks that he needs it." 

(Like last night,) Squall thought. (When he woke up, he didn't even want me to touch him. But, that was what he needed: to be touched, comforted. Like when I met Rinoa, I didn't want to be touched by anyone, to be close to anyone. I didn't know it then, but that was what *I* needed. I--) 

"Squall....?" 

The uncertainty of Nida's voice brought him back to the infirmary. 

"Are you okay?" she asked. 

"Yeah... just thinking," he replied. 

"Something you can share?" 

"No....No, it's not, Nida." 

Nida sighed. "Is it something you don't want us to know?" 

"It's not that, Nida. It's something that happened between me and Zell. I just think that it's for the best if it stayed that way," Squall said, looking down at the floor. Nida put a hand on his shoulder. 

"I understand. In fact, I'm glad you didn't tell me. Right now, he needs someone he knows he can trust. He's always trusted you, Squall. He puts you right up there with his grandfather in how much he admires you. I honestly think that right now, the things you tell him are going to matter the most. You're the only person he even might trust right now." 

"Why can't he trust the rest of us?" Quistis asked, stepping away from the wall. Nida turned to her. 

"Honestly, Quistis? I don't know the answer to that question. All you need to know is that you have to earn it again, if you ever had it in the first place. Squall had Zell's respect and trust before this," she said, and looked over her shoulder at Squall,"even if he didn't get any back." 

Squall crossed his arms and looked at the floor. He said nothing. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

It was almost sunset and he still wouldn't talk. Rinoa had decided to try to talk to him again, despite what the others had told her. 

"Zell, you know you can talk to me," Rinoa said softly. 

"No, I can't," he answered. He sat on the bed, knees to his chest as far as he could get them. He didn't look at her, but had his eyes shut tightly and his teeth clenched. He swallowed hard. 

"Why not?" she asked. She sat in the chair Squall had sat in earlier, leaning forward. It disturbed her to see Zell so reclusive. He had always been so open to everyone. He always told everyone what he thought without ever thinking about it twice. But, now..... 

"......You wouldn't understand.......nobody'd understand, Rinoa........I gotta keep it to myself," he whispered. He was trying so hard not to cry. To show weakness like he had in front of Squall. But, then again, everyone thought he was weak, anyway. Ever since they were little, Seifer picked on him. When he was adopted, his older siblings picked on him. He hated getting called 'chickenwuss' and all those other names he had seemingly earned while he was young. He just wanted to end it all that night. To not have to be called anymore names ever again. To do something right for once. 

"What wouldn't we understand, Zell....? Why do you have to keep it to yourself....?" Rinoa asked. 

Silence. 

He didn't want to answer. He didn't want to do anything, except die. He didn't feel anything. He only knew that he was alone. He lied back down on the bed, facing away from Rinoa. He stayed curled up in a ball as he tried to go to sleep. It wasn't hard. Not hard at all. 

Rinoa watched his breathing slow until she was sure that he was asleep. When she was sure, she got up and crept toward the door. She slid out it into the hallway, where the others were. 

Squall turned to look at her as the door shut almost all the way. She walked to him and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her. 

"Is he okay...?" he asked, looking down at her. 

"He won't talk to me, Squall. It doesn't look like he's going to talk to anyone right now. But I think there's more to it than we can imagine for now. We just have to wait and give him time," she said. 

The door to the hall slid open to reveal a brunette in a standard Garden uniform. She ran over to Irvine and they hugged. 

"Selphie....." 

"What happened, Irvine???! Where's Zell...? Is he okay?!" she said, pushing him away and looking up at him. 

"Whoa! Hold up, Selphie! How did you get here so fast?? I just sent the messenger last night!!" 

"Well, apparently, he traveled pretty fast. I got your message a few hours ago. As soon as I got it, I was gone. I took the Ragnarok to Trabia, remember....?" she said. Irvine slapped himself on the forehead. 

"That's right! I forgot you had the Ragnarok with you." 

"I swear you have the shortest memory of anybody I've ever seen. So, what about Zell? What happened?" Selphie asked. 

Irvine looked over at Squall and Rinoa. They looked at each other for a moment until Selphie broke the silence. 

".....What is it...?? What happened, you guys...??" she said, looking at each of their faces in turn. Irvine took her by the hand. 

"C'mon, Selphie," he said, leading her down the hall. "You need to sit down." 

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That's it for chapter 3. Up next is Chapter 4--Confessions. I apologize for the part with Squall and Xu. I don't know why I wrote that. I guess I just didn't like Xu in the game. Also, here are some things I need an opinion on: 

1) Should I bring Seifer into this story? If so, why? 

2)What about Cid and Edea? 

3)Ma and Pa Dincht? I'm thinking about bringing them in, but I don't know. 

4)And finally, Raijin and Fujin? 

To all who respond, thanks, 

Phoenixcadet 


	4. Friends, Foes, and Inbetweeners

This is chapter 4, people. I'm personally not very satisfied with it; say what you want. If you think I should rewrite it, e-mail me. I'm considering rewriting it, but I wanna know what you readers think. Tell me what you liked and what you didn't. I always welcome constructive criticism.I don't particularly like the title, either.Should I change it?If so, ideas are more than welcome. 

Thanks, 

Phoenixcadet 

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Chapter 4--Friends, Foes, and Inbetweeners 

"I still don't believe it. I just don't believe it. Why, Irvine?" Selphie said. 

"We don't know. He won't talk to any of us. He won't tell us anything," Irvine said to her. It was night again in the infirmary. They stood out in the hallway outside Zell's room. 

"None of us understand why, Selphie," Squall said. Rinoa stood by him, clinging to his side. "Like Irvine said, he won't tell us anything. The best thing for everyone to do is to go to bed and see what happens in the morning. I'll stay here." 

"You can't stay again, Squall. You stayed last night. I'll stay this time," Rinoa said. Squall looked down at her. 

"I already told you, Rinoa. I'm staying here. You can stay with me, but I'm staying here," Squall said. 

"Fine, then. I'm staying, too," Rinoa said defiantly, looking up at him. 

"If anything happens, let me know," Irvine said. "I'll be back here in the morning." 

"So will I," Selphie said. "And Quistis, too." 

"You guys go on to bed. Me and Squall will stay here for the night," Rinoa said. 

Irvine, Selphie, and Quistis walked through the door out of the small hallway and it slid shut behind them. Rinoa and Squall entered Zell's room. They stood over the bed, looking down at him. He was curled up in a ball, asleep. The IV in his left arm was gone. 

They sat down next to the bed and watched him sleep. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Rinoa was asleep on the small couch that had been put in the room. Squall had slept in the chair, despite its being totally uncomfortable. Zell was awake long before they were. He tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. He lie gazing at the ceiling for a while, listening to Squall and Rinoa sleep. 

The sunlight had just begun to peek through the blinds and land on the wall opposite the window. Zell sat up and looked around the room at Rinoa and Squall. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at the bed once more. Why were they doing this? Staying up all night for him? It didn't make sense. 

Squall groaned from the sunlight in his face. He blocked the sunlight with his right hand and shook his head, trying to wake up. He looked over to Zell. 

"Awake already...?" he said, twisting in the seat, stretching his back. 

"You didn't hardly get any sleep the other night over me, so I let you sleep. How you survived that chair, I'll never know," Zell said, almost smiling. 

"Hungry?" Squall asked, getting up and stretching again. 

"No." 

"Are you sure? You haven't eaten anything since......" Squall trailed off, not wanting to mention anything about what had happened. 

"I said I'm not hungry." 

Squall sighed. "Alright......" 

Zell pulled his knees up to his chest again, and put his head down on them. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Squall sat back down and put a hand on his shoulder. 

"You alright....?" 

"............no." 

"......I wish you'd talk to us, Zell. We can't help you until you talk to us," Squall said, taking his hand off Zell's shoulder and looking at the floor. 

"Who told you I wanted help....? If I wanted help, I would've asked for it," he said quietly. 

The silence in the room would've crushed them both had it not been for Squall's reply. "We just want to know why, Zell. We never thought you'd do something like this. We never knew you *would* do something like this." Zell looked over at him angrily. 

"What? You think just because I act up and get in trouble all the time, that I don't have feelings?? You think that you're the only one that's ever had any kind of pain?? Loneliness?? Fear?? Heartache?? You never knew because I didn't want you to. Nobody talks about me that way and I don't want them to. I don't want everyone to know. No one knew, Squall, not even Ma and Pa. Especially Ma and Pa." 

Once again, silence. It was broken by the sound of Rinoa waking up. She sat up on the small couch and smoothed her hair back. "........Good morning....." she groaned, looking up at them both. She stood up and stretched until Squall thought she would break in half. 

"Sleep well?" Squall asked her as she walked over to him. 

"I slept fine. And you?" 

"We have to get a cot in here: sleeping in that chair is holy murder. But, I guess I slept okay. It's the after-effects of sleeping in the chair that'll get me in the end." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

They decided to search Zell's room later in the day, for things that he might have used to hurt himself in the past. Irvine and Selphie rummaged through his closet and in boxes. Selphie glanced over at Irvine. 

"I don't think we should be doing this, Irvine. I mean, it's just.....wrong to go through someone else's stuff without permission," she said. Irvine paused a moment. He didn't look up. 

"I feel the same way, Selphie, but what if he has a gun in here or something....? If he has something in here he can hurt himself with, we have to get rid of it. I don't think you'd feel too good if he shot himself, do you?" he said as he continued to go through the boxes. 

"No, I wouldn't, but......I still think it's wrong. Did you find anything?" 

"Nope. Just CDs and folders......Hey, look at these drawings......" he said, pulling out of a large box pieces of sketch paper. He held a few up for her to look at. One was an elaborate drawing of a ruby dragon 

"Hey, a ruby dragon!! Did Zell draw these....?" Selphie said in awe. Stating the obvious, down in the bottom right hand corner of each sheet, was Zell's name in slanted letters and under it, a date. 

"Let's see what else he has in here," Irvine said, pulling out some of the larger boxes from the bottom of the closet. ".......He sure picks good subjects to draw, huh, Selphie?" he said, holding up a large detailed drawing of himself with his shotgun. They continued to go through the pictures one by one, each of something different. One was a drawing of Balamb Harbor and another of the Ragnarok. 

"Hey, it's me!!" Selphie squealed, holding up a close-range drawing of herself with her nunchaku. Selphie gasped. ".....ohhhhhhh! Look at this one......." She held up a picture of Squall and Rinoa on the Ballroom Terrace together. They faced each other, smiling with the moon in the background. 

"Wow, these are really good," Irvine said. "We'd better put them back. He might get mad at us." 

"Yeah, I guess so....but aren't these just great?! It seems to me we're finding out a lot about Zell we didn't know before," she replied, putting the drawings back in the boxes and sliding them back in the closet. "Maybe we should take him a sketchpad and some pencils to the infirmary, huh? What do you think?" 

"That's a good idea. It couldn't hurt, could it?" 

"Let's go see what they have at the art store in Balamb. I'm sure we'll find something there," Selphie said. They got up and left the room to go to the parking lot. If they had only checked the very back of the closet............ 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

In Balamb....... 

"I got a bite, ya know!!!"Raijin shouted, standing up on the dock. He proceeded to reel it in. 

"Don't let it get away, I haven't eaten in days!!" Seifer yelled from the end of the dock. Fujin stood next to Seifer, her gray hair glinting in the little sunlight there was. The clouds in the sky clearly showed there was something coming. "At this rate, we'll never get anything to eat. I ran out of money days ago,"Seifer sighed, shaking his head. "I'll have to admit, though, I can't ever catch anything when I try." 

"AFFIRMATIVE." 

Seifer turned to Fujin with one eyebrow raised. "Are you sure you don't have at least *one* Gil...?" 

"NEGATIVE," She answered truthfully. "NO MONEY." 

Raijin screamed. Seifer and Fujin looked at him. He was standing up, holding the fishing pole. The pole shouldn't have been able to bend that far and not break. 

"Help, ya know!!! It's huge!!" 

Seifer supressed a grin as he and Fujin ran to help him reel it in. It had been days since either of them had eaten anything. Seifer grabbed the pole to try to straighten it and keep it from breaking. Fujin put her hands around Raijin's waist and tugged him backward with all her might. 

"PULL!!!!!"Seifer yelled at them. They were so busy they didn't notice the two people coming up behind Raijin. They managed to pull the large fish almost all the way out of the water when..... 

"You guys are the sorriest bunch o' fishermen I've ever seen." 

Fujin was startled and let go of Raijin. He stumbled forward into Seifer and they both went crashing into the water. Seifer gasped as he came up to the surface for air. He spit out a mouthfull of water. He looked up on the dock angrily. 

"I'm gonna kill you, Kinneas!!!!" he practically screamed. Water dripped off his nose; had it not been for the angry look on his face Selphie would have burst with laughter. 

Fujin turned to Selphie who was standing next to Irvine, looking down at Raijin and Seifer. 

"NO FOOD. DAYS," She said. 

"Ohhh.....We're sorry we snuck up on you and made you lose the fish," Selphie apologized. She looked up at Irvine. "We'll make it up to you. We'll buy you something to eat at the Harbor Restaurant, *won't we*, Irvine?" she said, jabbing him in the ribs. 

He looked down at Seifer and Raijin as they pulled themselves out of the water and onto the dock. He didn't like Seifer and wasn't about to forgive him anything, but he thought that they owed them something for making them lose the fish. ".......I guess so,"he said reluctantly. "Whaddaya say, Seifer? Let us buy dinner?" 

Seifer thought the offer very appealing, but normally he wouldn't accept it. Had he been alone, he probably wouldn't have. He couldn't decline; it wasn't his just his own stomach that was hungry. Raijin and Fujin were just as hungry as he and he had no right to decline an offer that included them. 

".......Sure. Just as long as you don't think I owe you nothin' in return," he said with a smirk on his face. 

"No, this is on us. You don't owe us anything," Selphie said. Seifer was standing on the dock now, completely soaked. Irvine would've laughed, but decided against it, seeing as how he didn't have his shotgun with him. 

Fujin looked Raijin over and smiled. "FUNNY." 

Raijin started down the pier, mumbling to himself angrily. 

Seifer gazed down at his clothes. "Great. No money, no extra clothes, no car..... What else could happen....?" 

A blast of thunder made everyone jump. As if on cue, it immediately started to rain. Irvine, Selphie, and Raijin ran down the pier. Seifer only looked up at the sky and then hung his head low and started walking with Fujin. "I had to open my mouth, didn't I, Fujin? {sigh} Well, at least I'm already wet. NOW it can't get any worse." 

A flash of lightning struck the water in the distance, followed by another deafening blast of thunder. He looked up at the sky once more and started to run down the dock after Selphie, Irvine, and Raijin. Fujin quickly followed, looking back at the dark sky. "Alright, I'm going!" 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

They were on the closed in porch of a small restaurant; it had been a house, but was bought and turned into a restaurant. It was pouring rain outside their small sanctuary while they ate. 

Raijin ate his clam chowder quickly. He looked at Irvine and Selphie. "Thanks, ya know!!!I owe you one, ya know!" 

Fujin, who sat across from him at the small table, kicked him. "QUIET!" 

He reached down under the table and rubbed his shin. "OWWWWWW.....!!! Fujin, what was that for??!" 

"QUIET!!" she said and Raijin quickly scooted out from the table against the wall as she tried to kick him again. 

Seifer looked up from his plate of barbequed chicken for the first time to look at Raijin. "RAIJIN DODGED DELIBERATELY,"Fujin said. 

"N'no, didn't!!!"Raijin yelled through a mouthfull of chowder. 

Seifer rolled his eyes and went back to eating. Fujin finished her bowl of soup and sat up straight. "OTHERS, WHERE?" she said to Selphie. 

"They're......at Garden," she replied. Seifer looked up from his plate. 

"You're not telling something, messenger girl. What's going on?" he asked, sitting up straight. He studied Selphie and Irvine as they exchanged glances. "C'mon!! Out with it!" 

"Irvine, do....*you* wanna tell him or....." 

Irvine leaned back in his chair and glared at Seifer. "Selphie, I don't think Seifer has any business knowing." 

"WHAT HAPPENED?" 

"C'mon, ya know!! What happened?! It's still our home, too!" Raijin complained, a mouthfull of chowder slurring his speech. 

"Are you sure you want to know?" Irvine said, leaning forward on the table. 

"CONTINUE," Fujin said. 

"Zell tried to kill hisself," Irvine said, and leaned back in chair. 

Seifer nearly choked on his food. He finally got it down and looked Irvine square in the eyes. "He what??! Chickenwuss tried to kill himself? Why?" 

A gasp came from behind the group. They all turned around to see Ma Dincht standing in the doorway of the restaurant. The screen door was about to fall off its henges, but none had heard it open. She was covered from head to toe in a yellow rain slicker, carrying plastic bags with food inside. She covered her mouth with her hand. 

".....What....?" she whispered. "....Zell...He what...?" 

Selphie stood up. "M'Mrs. Dincht.....?! I-" 

"Selphie, Zell tried to.... what--how...? Why...?" she said. 

Irvine stood up and walked over to her. He looked down at her; he was much taller than she. "Mrs. Dincht...." 

"You tell me the truth, Irvine. Did my boy try to kill himself and we weren't told?" 

".....We would've told you, ma'am, but....he didn't want you to know...We were afraid to tell you because, well....." Selphie stepped in between them. 

"He made us promise not to. We were afraid to say anything because if we'd told you and you went up there to see him......he'd know one of us told. The last thing he needed was to be lied to." Selphie looked down at the ground. "We're sorry, Mrs. Dincht......He put us between a rock and a hard place. I.....hope you understand....." 

"Is he okay....? That's all I care....is he okay, Selphie? How did he do it?" 

"He.....jumped out of a tree in the training center.....He's got a few broken ribs, and a bump on the head, but....he's gonna be okay," Irvine said, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

"Zell'll be fine, ya know!" Raijin said, jumping up from his seat. "He'll come back and be regular Zell again, you wait and see, ya know!" 

Fujin stood up and kicked him hard in the back of the knee. "QUIET!!!!" she roared. 

"OWWWWWWWW!!!!! Dang it, Fujin!! Why you have to kick me all the time???!!" he cried angrily, rubbing the back of his knee. Fujin reared her leg back, as if to kick him again. "OK, OK, OK!!!!! I'll shut up!!!"he said, falling back down in his chair and scooting away from Fujin as far as he could. 

"Irvine.....if me and Pa can't go see him.....will you...let him know we love him? You don't have to let him know you told us, just let him know, somehow that we love him. Could you do that for us....?" 

"Of course, Mrs. Dincht," he replied. 

"Call me Ma," she said to him. "I understand. I won't come up there to see him." She smiled. "That boy and his privacy.....I don't know what I'll do with him. Did he say why he did it?" she asked, the smile disappearing. 

"That's what we were about to get to when you came out here," Selphie said. "We don't know why. He won't tell us anything....Ma. Except Squall.....and he doesn't tell Squall much. The only thing he tells the rest of us is to leave or he doesn't say anything." 

"If he says anything, you let me and Pa know, alright?" Ma said. 

"We will," Irvine said. 

"Hey, Irvine, we'd better get going back to Garden," Selphie said. "The other's will be worried about us," Selphie said, tugging on his arm. He looked down at her and back at Ma. 

"She's right. We'd better go." 

"You take care o'yourselves and my boy, you hear? You're always welcome in my house. You stop by whenever you get the chance," Ma said. "Now....I gotta go tell Pa at the house....He'll have a fit that we weren't told, but don't worry. I can keep him under control." 

With that, she pulled on her hood and tied it so it would stay on. She walked out the door and down the street. She waved to them and they waved back. 

Seifer stood up. "We'd better get going." 

Irvine turned to him with one eyebrow raised. "With us? To Garden? Somehow, I don't think so." 

"You gonna stop me, cowboy?" 

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That's chapter 4. What's gonna happen next? I've got a few ideas in mind for chapter 5, but you let me know what you want to happen.At least one reason why Zell tried to kill himself will be revealed,probably more. How does Seifer act towards Zell? Callous? Do Squall and Seifer have a face-off? Does Seifer get to see Zell at all? Let me know what you think. 

Oh, and here's a question:Should Zell die in this story? I've been toying around with the idea, but I don't know.Killing a character is a touchy thing. DON'T answer this question on the reviews page, okay? I'm gonna do what the majority says and I don't want anyone to know what the ending will be until we get there.That's the only thing I ask: don't answer on the reviews page.This story's nowhere near the end, don't worry.Stick around for chapter 5, which is, as of right now, untitled. 

Thanks, 

Phoenixcadet 


	5. Barrier's Breaking

Sorry, I kinda messed up when I first posted this. I left out one very important thing at the end of the part where Zell's talking to Quistis and Squall.This is Chapter 5--Barrier's Breaking. Hope you like it. If not, e-mail me and tell me what I did wrong. 

Phoenixcadet 

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Seifer had changed clothes at the Dincht's and was wearing blue jeans and a black T-shirt. Pa Dincht had found some clothes for him to borrow in the bottom of his closet. For Raijin, on the other hand, he had no clothes that would fit. Raijin was simply too big; Seifer just barely fit in the clothes that he had borrowed. Raijin instead sat with only a pair of black boxer shorts on in the laundry room, waiting for his clothes to dry again. 

They were in the small dining room of the Dincht's house talking amongst themselves around the small table; they had been there for about an hour. Ma and Pa Dincht were in their bedroom talking about Zell. Irvine had called Garden's infirmary and talked to Nida, saying that they had gotten held up in town and would be back as soon as they could. 

"Seifer, you can't go with us back to Garden......" Selphie said, sitting next to him. 

"Why can't I?" Seifer answered. 

Irvine leaned forward on the table and pointed a finger at him. "You know good and well the answer to that question, Seifer. For one, Squall would ballistic. Two, the rest of Garden would have a fit. You'd have 50 Garden students all over you like white on rice, you set foot in that place. And I'm liable to be one of them. And Zell, too, even in the condition *he's* in right now." 

"You'll just have to sneak me in, then won't you?"he said. 

Irvine slapped his forehead. "*Sneak you in*??? Whaddaya mean *sneak you in*? How? When? How would we sneak you in Garden? And if anyone found out you were there, what would we do then? Selphie and I would get killed by a bunch of angry students that got an obsession for putting you in the ground at an early age. There are a lot of students that would gladly take your head off, put it on a pike and stick it in their front yard!" 

Selphie snorted and started to giggle. All heads turned to look at her. 

"What's funny, messenger girl?"Seifer snapped. 

She snorted again and covered her mouth and nose with her hands, giggling again. "Nothing....!" 

"What's so funny, girl?!" he said, slapping her in the back of the head. 

"....Your head...on a pike... in someone's front yard.....," she managed through a fit of giggles. Irvine rolled his eyes and dropped his head down on the table with a thud. 

"Stupid......I have got to learn to watch what I say around her......" 

"She do this all the time?"Seifer asked. Fujin shook her head at Selphie in annoyance. 

Irvine looked up seriously. "If you say something that's supposed to be serious, yet can be funny if you think about it, this is what happens. Once you've set her off, she doesn't stop until she can manage to stop thinking about it. Selphie, *please* shut up. We have more important things to do than sit around and listen to you giggle." 

"Okay....Okay, hold on...." Her laughter slowed until finally she was only breathing hard with her eyes closed, a large smile on her face. 

Seifer looked her up and down and then at Irvine. "You ever get tired of her, send her my way, huh?" 

Selphie stopped and slapped Seifer in the back of the head hard enough to make it fly foreward, almost hitting the tabletop. "Whaddaya thinkin' about?! I am not a piece of meat to be traded!!" 

"Nobody said that, Selphie," Irvine said, placing his hand on his forehead. 

Seifer rubbed the back of his head looking at Selphie again and then Irvine. "On second thought, you keep her. One Fujin's all I can handle. And I am going to Garden." 

Irvine sighed, looking down at the table. "Selphie.....what do you think...?" 

The smile had finally disappeared from her face once and for all as she met the eyes under the hat. "I....don't know, Irvine. Squall would go ballistic, like you said....." 

"I don't care what pubery boy thinks. If he has an issue with me, we'll settle it. I'm not going for the purpose of starting a fight this time. But if Squall wants a fight, it's a fight he'll get," Seifer said standing up. He looked in the direction of the laundry room. "Raijin!! Your clothes dry yet?!" 

"I'm gettin' dressed right now, ya know!!"came his voice from the small room down the hall. 

"Hurry it up, Raijin!!" Seifer called to him. "We're leavin' here in a few minutes!" He looked over at Irvine. "For Garden!!" 

Irvine scowled at him from under his hat. "You're putting us in a spot, Seifer. Squall will kill us for bringing you back to Balamb Garden." 

"I done told you I don't care *what* Squall thinks. If he has an issue with you and Selphie bringing me there, he can take it up with me. End of discussion," he said, leaning foreward on the table, looking Irvine in the eyes. 

Irvine growled and then averted his eyes. "Fine. But if Squall impales you on his gunblade, it's your own fault." 

"If Squall impales me on his gunblade, I've got two people here that'll gladly avenge my death," he said, gesturing toward Fujin and down the hall to Raijin as he came out of the laundry room fully dressed with quarterstaff in hand. Fujin only nodded. 

"We'd better go, then," Selphie said, standing up. She walked down the hall to Mr. and Mrs. Dincht's bedroom and knocked. "...Ma...? We're leaving to go back to Garden now. We'll bring back the clothes we borrowed. 

"Alright, Selphie," Ma called through the door. "You be careful, now, you hear? That road's real bad slick outside. Don't be drivin' too fast." 

"We'll be alright, Mrs. Dincht," Seifer said from behind Selphie. He looked down at her. "Let's get going." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Garden...... 

Quistis and Squall sat in the room with Zell. The silence seemed so fragile Quistis thought it might break if anything was said between them. She glanced over to Zell, who sat on the bed seemingly staring into infinity, curled up as he had been in the past few days. She had always worried about him. Why? She didn't know. She had always had a feeling that there was more to him than there seemed. She wished in that moment, as she watched him sitting on the bed, she had been wrong, that there had been no more to him than a temper and clumsiness that couldn't be controlled. Her soul ached to see him in this state of confusion and pain. She had also always known that underneath the temper and brashness that Zell had an unconditionally gentle and loyal heart. She knew without a doubt that his heart was as loyal as they could come. 

And that they, his so-called friends, had ravaged it. She knew that she couldn't expect him to forgive them; only to let them help repair what damage they had done. They only wished to help him now, whether he wanted it or not. Squall had heard his stomach growl earlier and again asked if he was hungry. He said 'no', even after Squall had offered him hot dogs from the cafeteria. He'd been trying to starve himself. Only after Rinoa had broken down into tears, he chose to eat. She had yelled at him that he had to eat something while tears flowed down her cheeks. She was taken out of the room by Nida and into the hallway. Zell then did eat a small amount of two hotdogs, but only to make Rinoa stop crying, not because he wanted them. 'My stomach says 'yes', my mouth says 'no'' as he put it. 

Squall sat by the bed in the chair that had become his place of residence in the past few days. It was a typical hospital chair: a small wood chair with very little padding in the back or on the seat with a green cover. He decided that he would have slept on a bed of nails, would it help the figure curled up on the bed. He was one of the ones who had caused this: he would help Zell out of this if it killed him. Whether Zell wanted the help or not wasn't the issue at hand. He needed help, whether he admitted it or not. 

"Four." 

Squall and Quistis jumped at hearing Zell speak without being spoken to. He hadn't said anything in his time in the infirmary that wasn't a response to something someone said to him. Squall stood up and sat on the bed next to him. He placed an arm around him, putting a hand on his other shoulder. 

"Four?? What do you mean 'four', Zell??" he asked, puzzled. Zell stared on at the wall as if there was no one in the room, that it was just himself he was talking to. Quistis thought his stare would bore a hole into the wall if he stared long enough. Zell bit his bottom lip. 

"Before my parents in Balamb. Four," he said plainly, with no emotion in his voice. "I was adopted four times.... and returned four times." 

Squall got down and looked Zell in the eyes. "We're listening, Zell. You can tell us anything." 

Zell closed his eyes tightly and swallowed hard. "My second foster parents......They took me to live with them in Deling City. Down in the run down section of the outskirts of town....It was okay for the first few weeks. 

"Then things started to go downhill. My foster father drank a lot. He was an okay guy as long as he wasn't drinking. But when he asked for a beer, I went to my room that I shared with my foster sister, Amber. She had blond hair, green eyes, short for her age.... She was really nice to me, no matter what happened and I liked her. I was about 8 years old and she was 13. She always brought me home cookies, candy, lollipops, if she went to someone's birthday party or if there was a party at school... 

"When my foster father, Ray, got drunk, the whole house turned upside down. Me and Amber would go back in the bedroom and turn the radio up as loud as it would go, listening to whatever hard rock or rap we could find, just to drown out the noise down the hall. They threw things, glasses, lamps, pictures, anything they could find... Ray'd.....he'd beat my foster mother, Diane, he'd beat her....." Zell closed his eyes and shuddered. "She was screaming so loud.....We heard her over the music and Amber opened the bedroom door and looked down the hall. I looked, too. He had her by her throat, beating her up against the refridgerator. He threw her down on the floor and kicked her in the stomach five times before Amber ran out the door screaming at him. 'Stop it!! Stop it!!' she screamed. She started hitting him and I stayed in the doorway of our bedroom yelling for her to come back." 

Squall and Quistis listened attentively as Zell spewed out what he had seen that night. Squall remembered seeing the couple in the orphanage and they had all said goodbye to him and congradulated him because he then had a family. If they had only known what was going to happen, they would have kept him at the orphanage. 

"He picked her up by her neck," Zell continued, still staring straight ahead," and threw her against the wall so hard the pictures on the wall fell off. There were beer bottles and cans everywhere.... Amber picked one up and threw it at him. It missed and he picked her up again, strangling her. Her face turned blue and she looked over at me in the doorway. I thought he was going to kill her, so I ran out and jumped on his back from the couch, pulling his hair, hitting, kicking, anything that would make him let her go. He threw me off his back, but I got up and ran over to him and bit his ankle as hard as I could. He kicked me with his other foot. I kept on hitting him, and hitting him, but he wouldn't let her go. He finally let go of Amber and she dropped to the floor." 

Zell's voice shook as he tried to keep from crying. ".....she....she was dead..." he cried, putting his head down on his knees. He took in air, gasping as he tried to control himself. He finally looked back up at the bed. "About that time, the police came in and arrested him. They......they declared Amber dead on the scene. I was put back in another orphanage after that, not Matron's. I didn't even get to go to her funeral.... They said it wouldn't be 'good' for me. 

"I went up to a woman after they told me she was dead, one of the social services people or something and I said to her 'I wanna go to Amber's funeral'," Zell said, shutting his eyes once more. ".....She stared at me like I was stupid, Squall. She told me I couldn't. Just like that. 'You can't go'. It was like she had stuck me with a knife. I started to tell her that I wasn't stupid, that I knew what death was and what a funeral was, but she wouldn't listen. The only thing I have left of Amber is the ribbon she had in her hair that night and her diary. And that was it. I was put in with another family after that. I never went to her funeral." 

Zell looked at Squall, the light glinting off of his wet eyes. "I just wanted to see my sister, Squall. Was that too much? Even if she was dead, I wanted to see her so bad...." 

Quistis put her arms around him. "It's okay, Zell. Do you know where she's buried?" 

Zell pushed her away from him gently, wiping his eyes. "In Darryfield Cemetary, outside Deling City. I don't know where in the cemetary, though." 

"You've never been to her grave?" Quistis asked. 

"I tried to get away when we were in Deling City on our mission to....assasinate Matron, but I couldn't. I couldn't get time to do it." 

"We could go and take some flowers to her grave tomorrow, if you want to go, Zell. We could take the Ragnarok," Squall said to him. Zell looked up eagerly. 

"W'we can....?" 

"Of course, we can. We'll go get some flowers from the best flower shop in Deling City and we'll go find her grave if it takes us all day," Quistis said. 

Squall's eyes widened. Zell had turned 18 a few weeks before. That would mean it had been almost 10 years since Amber's death. "Zell," he said softly, "what day did Amber die?" 

Zell shut his eyes and hugged his knees. "10 years ago.........the day before yesterday." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

In the hall.... 

Rinoa watched while the metal door slid open. In walked Irvine and Selphie, back from their trip to Balamb. She stood up from her chair. 

"What took you guys so long? We were starting to get worried," she said, walking over to them. Irvine looked around to make sure they were alone. 

"Where's Squall?" he asked. He didn't want to let Squall know that Seifer was here just yet. Squall would kill him. 

Rinoa pointed to Zell's room. "He's in there with Quistis talking to Zell. Why, what's wrong?" 

Selphie took her by the arm and pulled her away from the door and down the hall. She stood up against the wall, surrounded by Irvine and Selphie. She felt like she was about to be interrogated. 

"We ran into a problem in Balamb," Irvine said, his voice lowered to just above a whisper. Selphie looked back at Zell's door to make sure Squall or Quistis didn't come out. 

"What happened? You didn't see the Dincht's, did you?" she whispered. 

"Yeah, we did," Selphie replied. 

"You didn't tell them. Tell me you didn't tell them," she pleaded. 

Irvine sighed. "We had to, Rinoa. But, Zell won't find out they know. We explained everything and they've agreed not to come down here to see him. But that's only part of the problem." Irvine lowered his voice even more after looking around them once more. "We also ran into Seifer." 

Rinoa gasped. "Seifer???!" 

"And Raijin. And Fujin," Selphie said. 

"And what happened?" Rinoa asked. 

"It's a long story, but we ended up having to tell them what happened with Zell. They're here," Irvine whispered. 

Rinoa raised an eyebrow. "Here??? You brought them here??" She looked at them both. "You guys, Squall will *murder* you!!!!" she whispered harshly. She didn't believe it. After all the trouble Seifer had caused, they had brought him back into their lives once again. Raijin and Fujin were forgivable, but Seifer?? What were they going to do? 

"We know, Rinoa!!" Selphie whispered back to her. "But, he's not here to start a fight. He just came to see about Zell, I suppose. I don't know really but he's here with Raijin and Fujin *in peace*, but he won't leave without a fight, he says. I think it's for the best if we just leave him be for now." 

"What'll we do about Squall, Selphie? And Zell, for that matter? They both hate Seifer with a vengeance and you know they do! How are you going to tell him?" Rinoa whispered to them. Irvine and Selphie exchanged glances and looked back at Rinoa. Her eyes widened. "Ohhhh, no. Not me. I'm not gonna tell him!! It has to be one of you guys: you brought him here, you have to tell Squall, not me." 

"Rinoa," Irvine said in his low tone, "you said it yourself: he'll murder us. You have to tell him. We'll back you on it because we *did* bring him here, but you have to be the one who tells him. Please, Rinoa." 

She considered. She didn't want Squall angry with her over anything, but they were right. Squall would be very angry with them. And Zell? Rinoa didn't even want to think about that. So...... 

".....Alright. I'll do it." She said it just in time, because Squall had just exited Zell's room. He noticed the group and walked over. 

"What's going on? Where've you two been?" he asked, looking at Selphie and Irvine. It was obvious that something had happened. Squall's fists were clenched as he stared them both down. 

Selphie backed up without realizing it as she looked down at the floor. "Ummmm....You see, in Balamb....we kinda sorta...." 

Squall shut his eyes and sighed deeply. He tilted his head toward the ceiling as he said,"You didn't. You didn't do what I think you did, did you? We told him we wouldn't, Selphie. We *promised* him." 

"I know, Squall. I know," Irvine said, stepping in front of her. "She overheard us talking about it." 

"You weren't even supposed to be talking about it anywhere where someone could hear you!! How did she overhear you? Where were you?" Squall asked, lowering his voice. He stared Irvine down with his hazel eyes. He had to look up into Irvine's brown eyes, but it made no difference. Squall was every bit as dangerous as Irvine if not more so, and Irvine knew it. He just didn't show off, like Seifer had when he was in Garden. 

Irvine looked down at him. "It's a long story. But that's not what we wanted to tell you. We didn't just run into the Dincht's in Balamb." 

"Who else did you run into?" Squall asked. 

"......Uhhhhh..." Irvine could find no words. Rinoa saw this and stepped in front of him. 

"They ran into Raijin, Fujin, and....Seifer," she said uneasily and paused, as if waiting for him to explode. She watched his eyes. Dear Hyne, she didn't want him to be angry at them. 

He exhaled. "And...? What happened?" 

"Well, that's what we wanted to tell you," Selphie said shakily. She swallowed. "He....he's here." 

"What...?! Where? Did you bring him back here? After what he did, did you bring him back here?" 

"We tried to tell him he couldn't come back, that you'd get mad, but he wouldn't listen. He asked about everybody and we ended up having to tell him about Zell," Irvine said. 

"You told him about-- Wait a minute, how did you run into them in the first place? Did you fight?" 

"They were down at the dock fishing, Squall," Selphie said and took a deep breath. She proceeded to ramble off what had happened in Balamb. "They were trying to reel in a big fish and we scared them and made Raijin and Seifer fall into the water and lose the fish. Fujin said that they hadn't eaten in days and I felt kinda bad at making them lose the fish, so I offered to buy them dinner 'cause we made them lose the fish and all." She exhaled and emitted a nervous giggle. 

"Tell me the whole story. No, wait. Where are they now?" Squall asked. 

"They're in the car in the parking lot. They agreed to stay there until we cleared their coming here with you," Selphie said nervously. Selphie didn't like these kinds of confrontations. 

"Why are they here?" he asked. 

"I guess it has something to do with Zell," Irvine guessed. "After we told him what Zell.....tried to do, he was insistant on coming here. I don't know why." 

Selphie touched Squall's arm. "But what we do know is that he's not here to start a fight. He came here in peace, Squall. But, he did say that he wasn't going to leave without a fight." 

Squall's disapproval was evident. He didn't want a fight while Zell was like this. He didn't want Seifer here when Zell was like this. He was torn in half. The only thing he could do was to let him stay as long as he didn't cause any trouble. Then he could stay. 

Squall crossed his arms and shut his eyes. ".........he can stay," he said softly. But then added, "Only if he doesn't cause any trouble. And that includes Raijin and Fujin. I mean it, you guys. If Seifer even *looks* at me funny, he's gone." 

"Izzat so, pubery boy?" a voice said from behind Selphie. Irvine and Selphie turned around to see Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin standing in the doorway. "Can't say I'll be doin' anything like that. I have no intention of leaving, even if you did think I looked at you funny," Seifer said, the usual smirk on his face. It quickly disappeared. "I'm not here to cause trouble, Squall. Just came to see about the chickenwuss. Heard from a very reliable source that he tried to kill himself," he said, glancing at Irvine and Selphie. "Where is he...?" 

"Yeah, where's Zell, ya know? Gotta talk to him," Raijin said and was about to say more, but was cut off by Fujin's stare. 

"ZELL, WHERE?" 

Glad to avert his attention to someone else, Squall looked at Fujin. He didn't want to talk to Seifer right then. "He's in there," Squall said, pointing to the room behind him. The door to the room was shut, thank goodness. He could only hope that Quistis was talking to Zell and that he couldn't hear what was being said. 

"WE SEE HIM," Fujin stated, nodding her head only once, but harshly, showing that it was a demand. 

"I don't know if that's a good idea right now, Fujin. He's upset. I think it's best that you wait," Squall answered. Fujin's eyes averted to the floor as she sighed softly. She looked like she understood. 

Seifer stepped closer to Squall. "I wanna know exactly what happened the other night." 

************************************************************************************************ That's chapter 5. Stay tuned, people, for chapter 6. And as always I have one word for you guys: REVIEW!!!! Until next time, 

Phoenixcadet 


	6. Truth Be Told

Here's chapter 6. Hope everyone likes it. 

Phoenixcadet 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The nights in the infirmary at Balamb Garden were beginning to become unwelcome in the eyes of Squall and his friends. It seemed that the past few nights had only brought with them nightmares for Zell. Even during the day, when he wasn't talking to anyone or staring into nothing, he slept. He had thought it his only safehaven from his emotions, but in the end it proved only to be more painful than when he was awake. 

Nida had given him sleeping pills to help him slip into a dreamless sleep when he needed it. But, she, Squall made sure he was only given two. They had locked all the medicine cabinets in the infirmary to make sure he didn't get to the pills by himself. It would be very easy for him to find and overdose on them if he were ever left alone long enough. However, he was never left alone at all by himself for any reason. Not even when he was asleep, unless someone was outside the door. Squall didn't leave the infirmary unless he was absolutely made to by Nida or someone else. He only left to change clothes and take a bath. 

Rinoa went where Squall went. Which was usually nowhere but the infirmary. She stayed by his side whenever possible. If he went to change clothes, she stood outside the door until he was finished. 

Irvine and Selphie stayed together as well. If one went, so did the other. They had decided to wait on giving Zell the sketchpad and drawing pencils they had bought him until later. They had found him sleeping when they had planned to give them to him. 

Quistis spent most of her time trying to get Zell to eat. When he did, he ate very little. She was angry with him for not eating, but she didn't show it. He didn't seem to understand that they were only trying to help. Maybe he truly didn't want it, as he had told Squall. Or maybe it was his way of seeing if they would give up on him. She didn't know, but there was only one way to find out and she didn't want to do that. 

Seifer was in the training center, doing what he did best, along with Raijin and Fujin. His response to what had happened had been what no one had expected. He had acted concerned, even worried about Zell. They hadn't expected that. Squall didn't trust him. He just wasn't acting like Seifer. He wanted to watch him, just in case. 

In the hallway of the infirmary, all was far from peaceful. Zell's friends all wondered what nature of nightmare would come to him next. Squall leaned up against the wall as everyone argued over who would stay with him this night. 

"Rinoa, you and Squall stayed last night. You both need to get some sleep. I'll stay here and watch Zell with Irvine," Selphie said in a low tone of voice, so Zell wouldn't hear. Not that it mattered: he was probably already asleep anyway. Sometimes he slept without any problem. Other times he slept with frightful nightmares running through his mind. If he didn't wake up screaming, he woke up and didn't say anything. 

He just lied in the bed and shivered, crying silently. It was in these moments he wouldn't let anyone touch him. No one. He would scream at them and tell them to get away from him, to leave him alone. Not even Squall or Rinoa could get close to him when he was like that. 

Squall sighed. He knew Selphie was right. He hadn't gotten any sleep hardly at all since that fateful night. "Alright, Selphie. You and Irvine can stay here with Zell tonight." 

"I think I wanna keep an eye on Seifer, Squall. I don't think that reaction to what happened with Zell was sincere. I don't know. I just got this feeling he's...... plannin' somethin'. I don't know what it is....I just got a feelin'," Irvine said, getting up away from the wall. "I'm goin' to the training center. I'll be back later, after Seifer leaves from there." 

"And I've got to go talk to Xu, like I told you I would," Quistis said. 

"I guess that leaves me here by myself, then," Selphie stated. "I'll be okay here by myself." 

At that, they said their goodnights and all that was left was Selphie standing in the hallway. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

It had been hours since the others had left the infirmary. It was almost midnight. The room was dark except for the moonlight seeping through the blinds. Selphie lied awake on the cot Squall had said he would get put in the room. The chair would simply not do. She heard Zell turn over in the bed and she sat up. She looked up on the bed and he was tossing and turning. 

He was having another nightmare. 

She got up and sat by him on the bed. She watched him as his face turned from one emotion to the next. It went from anger to fear to frustration in a matter of seconds. He grit his teeth as he grabbed the sheets angrily, his head tossing and turning. 

Selphie placed her hand on the side of his head and smoothed his hair back gently. "Zell, wake up...." she said just loud enough to stir him. It was calming him, she saw, as the nightmare subsided and he opened his eyes. His blue eyes looked up at her fearfully, his breathing labored and broken. He shut his eyes again. 

"It was just a nightmare, Zell. Nothing more," Selphie said to him softly. "Do you wanna tell me about it?" she asked. 

He swallowed. "N'no," he answered. 

"You don't have to if you don't want to. Just try and go back to sleep," she told him. 

Silence. 

She sat there, watching him, waiting for him to say something. 

"......What did Quistis say about Xu earlier?" he asked quietly. 

"......She....had to go talk to her. It's...not important," Selphie replied uneasily. 

"Don't lie to me, Selphie.....It was about me and I know it was. I heard you all talking out in the hallway. Tell me." 

"I.....Zell, I....Xu--" 

"Just tell me, Selphie." 

"Xu.....thought you were doing this for attention.....That you jumped out of that tree for attention....." 

"If she has the heart to think so," Zell stated. He did it to get attention, yes, but not the kind of attention she thought he was trying to get. 

"We know...that...you didn't do it for attention. She told Squall and he was....furious about it. That's what Quistis was going to talk to her about....We...didn't want to tell you..." 

"That's okay. I understand.....You....didn't want to upset me?" 

"Of course not!! That's why we didn't tell you...." Selphie said. 

"I also know something else," Zell said, looking up at her. 

She thought she knew what it was, but she wasn't sure. She hoped she wasn't right. 

"I know Seifer's here. I know it the same way I knew about Xu. I was awake when Irvine was talking about him in the hallway," he said, turning over onto his back. He looked up at the ceiling. 

"I'm not mad, Selphie. Don't worry about me being mad, 'cause I ain't. Like I said, I overheard you guys talking in the hall. I know you and Irvine brought him here. But, I'm not mad at you. Okay?" 

"We....were afraid to tell you Seifer was here, too.....We thought that might upset you, too, so we didn't say anything....," she said, looking at the floor. "Squall told me about your sister.....I'm sorry. You never told us," Selphie said to him. She was sad for him. They had never known he had been through something like that. 

"It's okay, Selphie. I'm just glad that the guy that killed her is behind bars. He won't be out for the next five years.....I had to testify against him in court. They asked me questions about what was going on in the house that night, and why he killed her....Diane wouldn't testify against him. After he killed her daughter and my sister, she wouldn't testify against him. I know she might've been scared of him, but that's no excuse. I was scared of him, too, but I didn't care, Selphie. He killed my sister," he said. He wasn't crying like earlier. He was completely calm. "If he woulda killed *my* baby daughter, they would have to put me in a straightjacket to keep me from murderin' him myself. I didn't want to go to the stand, but I told them I would, just to make sure he was put in prison for what he did. I answered everything they asked me, no matter how hard it was for me. I'm glad he's in jail....." He looked up at Selphie. "How can anybody do something like that to their own child, Selphie??" 

"I don't know, Zell. He was just a sick guy. He had to have been sick to do something like that. Even if he was drunk." 

"We're going to put flowers on her grave tomorrow. Do you wanna come?" 

"Of course, I would." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The shop had the most beautiful flowers Zell had ever seen. 

"Pick out whatever you want, Zell," Squall said, his hand on his shoulder. "I'll pay for it." 

"Anything?" Zell's blue eyes questioned him. Surely he didn't mean *anything*. 

"*Anything*." 

He looked around the small flowershop. They had been to every one in Deling City and still had not found what Zell was looking for. This was the last one. They had found arrangements of tulips, carnations, daisies, red roses, everything but what he wanted to go on Amber's grave. He looked around until he finally found it. 

"There," he gasped, pointing to the arrangement of white roses in the corner. "That's it. That's perfect." Squall looked over into the corner. 

"The white roses?" 

"Yeah. Amber loved white roses. She bought one whenever she could afford it. Which was almost never," Zell said, walking over to inspect the arrangement. There were well over 2 dozen roses along with small red roses in between them. It was beautiful. 

"That's what we'll get, then," Squall said. He walked with Zell over to the counter where an old woman was sitting, reading a magazine. She looked up out from underneath her glasses at Squall. 

"Can I help you?" she said nicely, standing up. 

"We want that arrangement in the corner over there," Squall told her pointing back into the back of the shop. 

"You mean the white and red roses? Those aren't for sale. That arrangement is reserved for a couple who are about to get married. They're to pick them up today, in fact. Can I interest you in anything else?" she said, standing up and pulling a book out from underneath the counter. She opened it and it was full of flower arrangement designs. 

"Do you want to keep looking, Zell? I'm sure we'll find something," Squall said to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

He nodded and they returned to the back of the shop, looking through the aisles of flowers. Squall looked back at the front of the shop as the bell above the door sounded. Someone had come in. A few moments later he heard footsteps coming toward him and Zell. He turned around to see a young man and woman standing next to him. 

"Mrs. Pocket told us about your predicament," the boy said. He could not have been much older than Squall and Zell. 

"We'll let you buy the arrangement from her," the girl said. 

Zell turned around and his eyes brightened. "Y'you would??" They quickly darkened again. "No.....I couldn't ask you to do that. You reserved the flowers. They're yours." 

"Please take them. We wouldn't feel right keeping them knowing that they could've gone on someone's grave. We can find another arrangement that'll look just as nice for our wedding," the boy said. 

Zell looked at them both. "You don't know what this means to me. Thank you so much," he said to them. He shook the boy's hand. 

"My family had the same problem last year when my cousin died. Except the people who had them wouldn't sell them to us for any price. I know how it felt to have been denied something like that. I wouldn't want to do the same to another," the girl said. 

"Thank you," Squall said. They walked up to the counter to speak with the old woman once more. "How much is that arrangement?" 

"That's 400 Gil," she answered. 

Squall took out his wallet. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The sky was filled with dark clouds to match the feelings of the six teenagers as they stood in the cemetary. They had found the grave sooner than they had expected to: it was close to the gate. None of the six said anything as the flowers were placed next to the grave. There hadn't been any flowers put there in a long time from what Squall saw. 

Zell read the tombstone aloud. "Amber Ryon. Age 13. R.I.P." 

Irvine stepped up behind him with Selphie and put an arm around him. "Sorry, Zell." 

Squall and the others followed his example and they all gathered around Zell, each of them placing a hand on one of his shoulders. 

"She's in a better place, Zell. Don't worry about that," Rinoa said. "She's smiling down on you as we speak. Just like my mother is on me." 

"Thanks, Rinoa......Thanks." 

"C'mon, you guys," Irvine said, looking up at the sky as it started to sprinkle. "It's starting to rain. Let's go." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Later on, back at Garden...... 

Irvine and Selphie walked into Zell's room inside the infirmary, blue plastic bag in hand. Zell looked up and down at the bag. The two sat down in the chairs on the sides of the bed. Irvine opened the bag and took out a sketchpad and pencils. 

"We thought you might like to have something to do, so we bought you these," he said, placing the sketchpad and pencils on the bed in front of him. Zell looked down at them. 

"You....bought these for me?" 

"We know there's nothing to do here in the infirmary. They don't even have a TV in here. We thought you might be bored, so we got you these," Selphie said to him. "We thought it might get your mind off of everything." 

Zell picked up the paper and pencils and sat back against the pillows. He opened the sketchpad and the pack of pencils and looked at Irvine and Selphie, each in turn. 

"Thanks......" He knew that was what they wanted to hear, so that was what he said. But, he had stopped drawing months ago. It held no purpose for him anymore. He used to use it as an outlet for his feelings, but it didn't work anymore. Nothing worked anymore. He smiled at them for their effort at trying to make them feel better, but it wasn't working. Nothing could pull him out of the bottomless pit he was in. He felt hopeless. 

But, he would draw for them. To please them only. He didn't want them to worry about him. That could only lead to tragedy. He then realized he had never apologized to Selphie about what happened in Trabia. Her friends were dead because of him. She should have hated him; he killed her friends, why wouldn't she hate him? She didn't act like she did, but he knew. All he could do was say he was sorry. He would never ask for her forgiveness. He could never ask for a forgiveness he would never deserve. 

"I'm sorry, Selphie......" he said, setting the paper and pencils aside on the bedside table. Selphie's eyes questioned him and she cocked her head sideways slightly. 

"For what, Zell?" she asked him, puzzled. 

"For Trabia." 

"Zell......don't....." 

"Your friends are dead because of me. Your teachers, your friends, all dead, because of me and my stupid mouth. You should hate me," he said, pulling his knees up to his chest again. 

"Zell, I don't hate you......I could *never* hate you," she replied, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"What happened to Trabia wasn't your fault, Zell.......It was Ultimecia's," Irvine said to him softly. "She possessed Matron and made her give the order to fire the missiles. It would've happened anyway, whether you had said anything or not. You can't feel guilty for something that's not your fault." 

"But, it *was* my fault. You don't know that it would've happened anyway, Irvine. All of those teachers and kids are dead because I can't do anything right," Zell answered back, shutting his eyes. 

"Zell, you helped to avenge their deaths by helping defeat Ultimecia. By helping stop her, you avenged their deaths," Selphie said firmly. 

"Did I, Selphie? All throughout the mission to defeat Ultimecia, even when she had just possessed Matron, I didn't fight as hard as I could have. I didn't fight as hard as I *should have*. Why? I wanted to die. I hoped Seifer or Matron would kill me, let me be at peace. I wanted to die in a battle because I didn't want you and Squall and the others to know what I really was. *Who* I really was," he said, looking at Irvine once again. "I wanted to die in a battle. I wanted to go fighting, even if I only fought halfheartedly. I wanted my parents in Balamb to be known for how strong their son was and that he died for a noble cause. I didn't want them talked about like they were bad parents, like they had something to do with my death. I didn't want them to be labeled that. So I fought halfheartedly." 

Selphie and Irvine were stunned. Neither could say anything to the teenager in front of them. He was spilling his life out in front of their eyes and they didn't even have the courtesy to say anything. Deep down inside, Selphie realized, she didn't want to know. She didn't want to know why her friend wanted to die. It was a foreign emotion to her, to want to die and she was afraid of it. She didn't know how anyone could wish to be dead and she didn't want to know. She knew that it was wrong for her to feel this way, and she was beginning to hate herself for it, but she could not help it. The feeling was there and could not be denied. No matter how hard she tried, she could not make the feeling go away. 

Zell continued. "In the D-District Prison, when Squall saved me from that guard? I pretended to be relieved that he saved me." 

"Zell......please....." Selphie said, her words choked off by the tears welling up inside her. ".....don't........" Zell ignored her plea. 

"I could've screamed at him I was so angry. I wanted so bad to die, in that moment when the guard had the gun to my head. I was happy for the first time in my life, Irvine," he said, looking Irvine in the eyes. 

Inside himself, Irvine cringed away. "You.....You don't mean that, Zell......You *can't* mean that......" Zell continued on, ignoring the figures who sat by his side. 

"I was happy that I could do something right for a change," Zell said, hugging his knees tighter and looking then at Selphie. She met his gaze and turned her head away. "I could give my parents the strong son they thought I was. I could give them what they wanted in exchange for my life. I *couldn't* be the son they thought I was. I could die and make them proud of me. I wanted that *so* bad, for them to be proud of me. I couldn't be what I pretended to be. I wanted to die to make them proud of me, so they'd remember me for what they thought I was." 

Selphie saw Zell looking at her from the corner of her eye. 

"How about now, Selphie?" he said, pulling back his tears. "Do you hate me now? Do I disgust you now?" He turned to look at Irvine. "How about you, Irvine? Do I disgust you? I should. I disgust myself so much I can't even look in the mirror anymore. Do you hate me now? Answer me. Do you hate me now that you know what I am? What I've done? How selfish I've been?" 

"I told you......I could never hate you, Zell," Selphie choked. "*We* could never hate you, no matter what happened." 

"Your friends are dead, Selphie!!!" Zell declared forcefully. "Because of me, your friends are dead!! How can you not hate me??!!!" 

"It wasn't your fault, Zell!!!" Selphie cried, the tears now flowing freely. "It wasn't your fault!!" 

"Stop telling yourself that, Selphie, because it's not true. It is my fault. Stop telling yourself that it's not," Zell said softly. 

"Why is it your fault, Zell?? It would've happened anyway!!" Selphie cried again, grasping the bedsheets and leaning foreward. 

"People are stupid, Selphie. You believe things because you want to, not because they're necessarily true. You don't want to believe that it's my fault that your friends are dead, so you tell yourself that it would've happened anyway. We believe things because we're afraid that or we know that the other option is true. It *is* my fault, Selphie." 

"That's not true......." Irvine said to him weakly, with no force behind the words. 

"You're doing it right now, Irvine. You don't want to believe what I'm telling you about people being stupid because you're afraid that it's true," Zell said, looking him in the eyes once more. 

"T'then....how do you know that it's your fault.....what happened to Trabia.....?" Selphie choked. She swallowed and continued. "How do you know that.....you don't just believe that it's true......" 

"Because I know the rule, Selphie. People are stupid. That's a rule. It's not written down in any book that you can read, but it's a rule. A rule that I've known to be true for a long time. If you don't know the rule, you live blindly. When you know the rule you have to accept reality as it is. It's my fault." 

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That's chapter 6, short as it was. Stay tuned for chapter 7. Seifer talks to Zell. Wonder what'll happen......... 

Phoenixcadet 


	7. Ignorance is Bliss

Okay, folks, here's chapter 7. I didn't work as hard on it as I should have, but that should tell you that I'm in a hurry to get to the chapters after this. Something awaits Squall & Co. over the next horizon....... 

-Phoenixcadet 

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Selphie stared at Zell in shock, tears running down her face. "....Stop it, Zell......stop saying that........" 

Zell sat on the bed, still curled up in a ball. He watched Selphie. He knew that he was breaking her heart. Good. If he broke her heart, she would have to hate him. If she would not hate him on her own, he would make her. 

"I don't hate you, Zell," she sobbed, placing her hands over her heart. "I can't hate you......" 

"You do, Selphie," he answered softly. "You do." 

"No, I don't!!!!" she screamed at him. It wasn't true. She didn't hate him. She *couldn't* hate him. 

"Yes, you do, Selphie. You hate me. You hate me, otherwise why are you crying?" Zell asked her calmly. He was making her hate him. He was breaking her heart. If his heart hadn't already been shattered, it would have broken his heart to see Selphie this way. The ever-laughing, happy Selphie Tilmitt, driven to tears over the truth. It would have broken his heart to see her like that. If he still had one to break. 

"I'm crying because of what you're saying!! You're asking me to hate you when the feeling isn't there inside me!! I can't create the feeling, Zell!! I couldn't hate you if I wanted to right now!" 

"You will, Selphie. If you don't hate me now, you will." 

Selphie sobbed louder, as Irvine went to her side. He cast Zell an angry glance. 

"That's *enough*, Zell," he said sharply, wrapping his arms around Selphie. 

"You have to hate me now, Irvine. Look what I'm doing to Selphie. I'm breaking her heart. You have to hate me," Zell said, looking at the far wall again. Selphie broke free of Irvine's arms and stood up. 

"Stop saying that!!!! We don't hate you!!!" she cried and ran out the door into the hall. 

Irvine stood next to the chair, looking at the door as it shut itself. He was torn between going after Selphie and staying with Zell. 

"Ignorance is bliss, isn't it, Irvine?" Zell whispered. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Squall watched as Selphie ran down the hallway and into Seifer as he came down the hall with Raijin and Fujin. She ran past them and into another small room, identical to Zell's, threw herself on the bed and cried. 

Squall watched as Seifer followed her into the room. Raijin was about to follow, but Fujin kicked him in the leg, spawning another howl from Raijin. 

"STAY OUT," she said sharply, pulling him back out of the room. 

Inside the closed room..... 

Seifer walked over to the bed and sat down, watching her cry. He didn't know what to say. Yet, he had followed her in there. He thought a moment, and finally spoke to her. 

"Zell musta been sayin' some pretty powerful stuff to make *you* cry. What'd he say t'you?" he asked. He didn't know how to handle these situations. He wasn't the softhearted type. He kept on making excuses to himself to go and get Squall or Rinoa, but he couldn't bring himself to go to the door and call for them. 

"Go away, Seifer!!" she yelled and sobbed more, hugging the pillow. 

Outside...... 

"Let us by, Fujin," Squall said, staring at Fujin as she blocked the door. 

"SEIFER HANDLE." 

"Squall, give him a chance," Rinoa said, tugging on his arm. "He can be comforting when he wants to be." 

Squall sighed. Maybe she was right. Maybe he could handle it. He didn't need anything else on his mind at the moment. He was relieved to let someone else handle it. 

"Alright...."Squall said, trying to hide the relief in his voice. 

Within minutes Seifer and Selphie came out of the room, the tears on Selphie's face trying to dry up. 

Squall took her by the shoulders. "What happened, Selphie? What'd he say to you?" 

She explained what Zell had been saying and doing for the past 10 minutes that she was with him. She left out the part about the D-District Prison. Rinoa was shocked. 

"He said all that to you??" Rinoa whispered. "He was telling you to hate him?" 

"Telling??!" Selphie exclaimed. "He was begging for me to say that I hated him! And Irvine, too. He was saying 'do I disgust you now, Selphie?' and 'How about you, Irvine? Do you hate me now that you know what I am? What I've done? How selfish I've been?'. I remember his words as clear as day, Rinoa....." 

"I never knew Zell could be like that,"Seifer said, looking at the floor, shaking his head. 

Squall whipped around to look at him angrily. He spoke in a hushed tone. "Is that all you have to say, Seifer?! He's been like this for days!! If you don't have anything better to say, leave!!" 

Seifer looked up, arching an eyebrow. "Are you trying to start a fight with me? You'll lose. I've been practicing a lot since I left Garden. I don't want to fight you now, Squall. Maybe later, after I talk to Zell." 

Squall was infuriated. "You're not setting foot in that room, Seifer Almasy," Squall declared, stepping in front of him. 

"*You're* gonna stop me?" Seifer said, towering over him. He was only a few inches bigger than Squall, but he liked to use those inches to his advantage when possible. "You really wanna fight while Zell's in the next room, be my guest. You can fight someone else, though. I won't have any part of it." 

Squall's anger was boiling to no end. Seifer was making him out to be the bad guy and he didn't like it. Rinoa grabbed his arm. 

"Squall," she said, "don't. Not now." She looked up at him. She hadn't ever seen him angry like this before. Not *this* angry. 

He exhaled. "Alright......Fine...." He shrugged off her grip on his arm and looked up at Seifer. "You can talk to him......but--" 

Seifer cut him off. "I know the do's an' don't's, puberty boy. I know what to say an' what not to." 

"Seifer, I need to talk to you a minute," Rinoa said, opening the door to the room Selphie had been in. She motioned for Seifer to come in and he did. The door shut. Squall looked at Selphie. 

"I'm going to see about Zell, Selphie.......Are you okay?" he asked her. 

She sniffled. "Yeah, I'm okay.......He's starting to scare me, Squall. I can't handle it anymore......." 

"We can't give up on him, Selphie. We can't let this consume him. We have to break him out of it," Squall said taking her by the shoulders. "He didn't know what he was saying." 

Selphie looked up at him fearfully. "Yes, he did, Squall," she said quietly. "He knew what he was saying. He knew that he was breaking my heart......He wants me to hate him because he thinks what happened to Trabia is his fault. He said 'your friends are dead, Selphie!!!! How can you not hate me??!!'. That broke my heart, Squall. I can't hate him, though......I can't......" 

"I couldn't hate him, either, Selphie, no matter what he told me. He just needs help.....He needs it so bad, I don't know what to do........" 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Seifer watched Rinoa as she looked up at him. He finally went over and sat on the bed and watched her more. 

"Seifer," she said,"I don't know how to say this, but....." 

"Just say it. Whatever it is, just say it and be done. That's what works for me," Seifer said, the usual smirk on his face springing back to life. 

"I.....don't want you talking to Squall for right now, okay....?" 

"Why not?" 

"You saw him out in the hallway, Seifer. I've never seen him that angry....." Rinoa said quietly as she went and sat on the bed next to him. 

"He got hisself worked up over nothing," Seifer said, leaning back on the pillow. 

"I know it was nothing to get upset about, what you said, and you know that, too, but Squall......." 

"He just gets his knickers in a twist too easy, is all, Rinoa. Why do you like him so much?" 

"I'm not here to talk about that, Seifer. Squall's just......he's got so much on his mind right now, you wouldn't believe. He's had a hard three days, Seifer. Last night was the only sleep he's gotten in the past two nights and he's planning on staying with Zell in the infirmary tonight, too. With his responsibilities to Garden as the commander of SeeD, and Zell down here in the infirmary......He's just got so much on his mind right now, Seifer......I'd appreciate it if you would just steer clear of him for a while," Rinoa said, watching him stare back at her. "And Irvine, too. Squall doesn't care that you're here just as long as you don't cause any trouble. Irvine does. He doesn't trust you, he doesn't like you in any way, shape, form, or fashion." 

"You think I'm worried about cowboy?" Seifer scoffed, putting his hands behind his head. 

"I didn't say that, Seifer. I just said to stay away from both of them for right now. And after what Zell said to Irvine and Selphie, Irvine is going to be even more bitter toward you if you say anything. I'm just trying to warn you. They don't want a fight, not while Zell's like this, and I don't either, but.......if you say anything smart or make a comment that they don't like......." 

"So what you're sayin' is that you don't want me to be myself, is that it?" Seifer asked 

"Yes! No!" Rinoa faultered. "I don't know........I'm just worried about Squall and Irvine.....They're both worried about Zell to no end, but we're getting nowhere with him......You don't understand, Seifer.....He's been like this for the past three days, counting today....." 

"And I was a part of making him that way," Seifer confessed. "Callin' him 'chickenwuss' all those times finally got to him, huh?" 

"It wasn't just that, Seifer.....We've found out things about Zell we never even dreamed......things that.....we would have never even thought that he......could be feeling......He's just opened up to us so much, it's scary......" 

"You know the saying, Rinoa: ignorance is bliss." 

"Isn't it, Seifer? Ignorance *is* sweet bliss sometimes, isn't it? I don't know what Irvine and Selphie would've given not to hear Zell telling them to hate him......Probably anything.......But, if we don't listen to him, if we stay in ignorance, Seifer, this is a game nobody is going to win. If we stay in ignorance, we all lose. We lose Zell, he loses his life. We all lose,"Rinoa said sadly. 

"I know what you're talking about, Rinoa." 

"I'm just asking you to stay away from Squall and Irvine for a while. For my sake if not for theirs," she said to him. He sat up and got off the bed. 

"Okay.....I'll try not to hurt their feelings,"he said sarcastically. Rinoa slapped him in the arm. 

"I mean it, Seifer!! Just be careful what you say. Please?" 

"Okay, okay.....I'll be careful." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Zell sat in the bed staring at the wall. He didn't move. Irvine sat in the chair watching him. How could he say those things to them? He never knew anyone could ask to be hated. It was just.....not natural. 

"I'm sorry, Irvine.......I know I broke her heart......I'm sorry....."he whispered. 

Irvine put his hand on Zell's back. "It's okay, man......you just....needed to let everything out.....Selphie'll be fine." 

Zell's blue eyes looked up at him, questioning. "Why doesn't she hate me......? I killed her friends, why doesn't she hate me.....? I told her the truth, why doesn't she hate me?"he whispered, the last time filled with overflowing emotion. He could only repeat that to himself over and over, as if repetition would make it true. 

"She can't hate you, Zell.....And I don't hate you either. You're my friend, you're Selphie's friend, you're a friend to all of us and you always have been. None of us can hate you for something we don't believe is your fault. We can't and we never will. Like Selphie said, the feeling isn't there," Irvine said, sitting down on the bed. "It will never be there." 

Zell didn't respond. He could only stare a hole in the wall, even when Seifer Almasy stepped into the room. Irvine stood up in protest, blocking Seifer's view of Zell. 

"What're you doin' in here?" 

"Squall said I could talk to ch--Zell. He said I could come in," Seifer said. He wasn't about to leave. And as he had promised Rinoa, he would watch what he said to both Irvine and Squall. He didn't know what was going on inside their heads and he didn't want to find out. 

"He can stay....." Zell said quietly. Irvine turned to look at him. 

"Are you sure? Are you sure you wanna--" 

"I said he can stay, Irvine. What more do you want me to say?" 

Seifer looked at Irvine and sat down in the chair next to the bed. Irvine looked at him angrily and, reluctantly, left. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Irvine stormed out into the hallway to be greeted by Rinoa. 

"Where's Squall?!" he demanded. 

"Why, what's going on?" Rinoa asked. 

"Seifer's in there with Zell," he said, pointing at the closed door behind him. "He said Squall let him talk to him. I don't believe it." 

"Squall did say Seifer could go in, Irvine," Selphie said from behind Rinoa. "I don't really like it, either, but, what're we gonna do?" 

"I don't like him, Selphie. I don't want him in there talking to Zell! He'll only make it worse and you know it as well as I do!"he declared, pacing back and forth. 

"Look, Irvine, Squall is in the cafeteria getting us all something to eat with Quistis. You can talk to him when he gets back," Rinoa said. "And don't worry about Seifer. He promised me he'd be careful around Zell. He was a friend of mine, remember, Irvine?" 

"He promised you??!!" he exploded. "You actually trust him? Rinoa, it was only a few months ago that he wanted all of us dead!!!!" 

"I know that, Irvine and keep your voice down," Rinoa said. She pulled him away from the door and down the hallway. Selphie followed. 

"He'll be okay, Irvine. Trust *me* if you don't trust Seifer. He'll do as I ask him to do because he used to be a friend of mine. I don't know if you could say that he still is, because I really don't know. But I do know from the look that was in his eyes, he was sincere when he told Squall that he would be careful. I know him better than you think I do." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

"You look like you've hit rock-bottom, Zell." 

"I've been at rock-bottom, Seifer, for years. No one took any time to notice, is all. I see why, though. I'm worthless." 

Seifer sat in the chair by the bed watching Zell. It had become an observation chair in the past few days. Next to the chair was the cot Squall had had put in the room. It hadn't been made from the night before; the pillow and blankets lied in the floor in a heap. Seifer leaned back in the chair. 

"Worthless? Nah, that's not it. Hmmmmm.....You're not worthless, you're something else....." Seifer said, looking up at the ceiling, pondering. "Heckuva fighter, but that's not what I'm looking for, either......" 

"How about stupid? Or clumsy? Or loudmouthed?" Zell said, looking at him. 

"Nope, they're not it, either......It starts with a 'p', that I know.....Ah! I found it!! Pessimistic!!!! You're a pessimist! You're looking at everything that's wrong with you instead of what's good about you." 

"And that would be? What's good about me, Seifer? You tell me." 

"Me tell you? Can't do that, I'm afraid. You have to find what's good about you, not me. I'm not gonna pretend that I have all the answers, cause I sure as hell don't. I'm just telling you that you can't have everyone telling you what's good about you. You have to hunt for it yourself. You have to hunt for it, and when you find it, you have to seize it and *hang on for dear life*." 

"I don't have anything to hang onto, Seifer." 

"You haven't looked." Seifer would have told him that he didn't see anything that Zell had to hold onto, either, but he promised Rinoa he would be careful what he said. 

"I don't have to. You saw what I did in Timber. I killed most of the students in Trabia Garden because of me and my big mouth. It was just me. It was my fault. Do you want to know why I'm so eager to fight you all the time?" 

Seifer didn't say anything. Zell was trying to get to him like he had gotten to Selphie. That wasn't going to happen. 

"Remember in the Training Center two years ago, when I was 15 and you were 16? Remember what happened?" 

Seifer didn't even have to think back. He remembered that day well. Zell had made him angry and he had nearly killed Zell with his gunblade. If it hadn't been for Squall interfering, he would have killed Zell easily. Zell had been in the infirmary for days recovering. Seifer had gotten expelled for a year from all Garden activities. Including SeeD entrance exams. He had hated Zell for that. 

"I used you, Seifer," Zell said softly, looking at the wall. Seifer jumped. (He what...?) he thought to himself, his eyes widening. (He used me.....?? What did he--) 

"What do you mean, Zell?"Seifer asked him. 'I used you, Seifer.' The words kept repeating themselves in his mind. Used him? How? 

"We were in the Training Center, Seifer. You had your gunblade. You had had a bad day with the GF test in class and you were mad. I saw you and I saw opportunity. Remember? I taunted you on purpose. I made you mad on purpose. I remembered you had said that you would kill me before, and I knew you would if I got you mad enough. You had the weapon. No one was around to see us. So I picked at you. And taunted. And teased. Until finally, you broke down. When you broke down, I went down. Do you remember how easily you defeated me, Seifer?" 

(A bludgeoning tool,) Seifer thought. Zell had used him as a bludgeoning tool. He had been the hammer and Zell the hand that held it. Yet, he had been the nail as well. Zell had used him. He had been angry at Zell that day, but if he had known that he would be used as a tool, would he have still attacked him? He didn't know. Probably not. 

"You....you used me?" 

"Surprised, Seifer? I know you are. I used you. You've always hated me, that I know. Do you hate me more now? Now that you know that you've been used by me?" 

Seifer was stunned beyond comprehension. Mentally, he shook himself hard. (You're letting him get to you, Seifer.....) Zell wasn't going to get to him. He wasn't. 

"Don't know what to say, do you? You can't hide anything from me, you know that, don't you? I can tell by the way you're looking at me now. You're stunned beyond words. You hate me because I used you. Selphie hates me for killing her friends. Irvine hates me for making Selphie cry. You can't hide from me. I've been studying people for too long. I've been sitting in the corner watching the world pass me by for all too long. While you and the others ignored me, letting me sit in the corner, I learned to read people. I watched you and Squall mostly. I've learned to read both of you like books. I've learned to tell when both of you are angry, when you're sad, when you're happy.......How does it feel to know that you can be read by me, Seifer?" 

"You're trying to get to me and it's not working, Zell. Just stop it," Seifer stated, crossing his arms. 

"If it's not working and I'm not getting to you, Seifer, why are you so eager for me to stop? If it's not working, why are your eyes telling me different?" 

Seifer stood up. It was working. But he wasn't going to let it get out of hand. He walked toward the door. 

"Leaving so soon? I thought it wasn't working, Seifer. I am getting to you and you know it." 

Seifer stepped out of the room and shut the door. 

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That's the end of chapter 7. Stay tuned for Chapter 8. As I said before, something's about to happen..... 

-Phoenixcadet 


	8. Decisions

Here's Chapter 8--Decisions. Hope everyone likes it. If not, you know the drill. 

-Phoenixcadet 

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Squall entered the infirmary along with Quistis, carrying three brown paper bags a piece. They each set them on the small table in the hallway. Squall watched Seifer come out of Zell's room. 

"Here's food," Quistis said flatly,"fight over it." 

Selphie, Rinoa, Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin all rushed over to the table, arguing over who got what. Irvine, on the other hand, walked over to Squall. 

"I wanna talk to you. Alone. *Now*." 

Squall followed him into the room down the hall that Selphie had been in, and shut the door. 

"I got one question for you: *what* are you *thinking*??! You let Seifer go in to talk to Zell? Are you mental?" he asked. 

"No, I'm not crazy and I didn't like the idea, either, *but* Rinoa said to trust him and he said that he would be careful what he said. I practically exploded out in the hallway. He didn't want to fight and I didn't either, not while Zell's.....the way he is right now," Squall said to him, sitting down on the bed. 

"You know as well as I do that he'll only make it worse, Squall. I don't like him being here--" 

"*You* don't like him being here?! You think *I* do?? I'd be happy as a lark if he'd leave and not come back!! But the fact is, is that he *is* here, and he's not leaving without a fight, a fight *I* will not condone, so we are just going to have to make the best of it!!" 

Irvine grit his teeth. He knew Squall was right. He didn't want to have a fight in the middle of the infirmary, which was most likely where any kind of fight between Squall and Seifer was bound to happen. It didn't look like Seifer wanted to fight, either, but..... 

Irvine sighed and adjusted his hat. He wiped his face with his hand. "Okay. Okay, I'll try to make the best of it. But, I still don't like it, Squall. I don't like playing around with someone's life. And that's what we're doing by letting Seifer talk to Zell. We're gambling with his life and I don't like it." 

Squall put a hand on his shoulder. "I know. I don't like it, either. Were you in there when Seifer walked in to talk to him?" 

"Yeah. Zell told me to let him stay. Just like that, he told me to let him stay. I don't wanna leave him alone with Seifer. Not after what he told me and Selphie." 

"Is there something Selphie didn't tell me? What all did he tell you?" 

"He....told us that, during the mission to defeat Ultimecia, he didn't fight hard on purpose. He...said that he was hoping that Seifer or Edea would kill him......And when you saved him in the D-District Prison?" 

Squall remembered that. The guard had had the gun in Zell's face, about to pull the trigger. He had had to practically fly to stop the guard from killing him. 

"He was angry that you saved him, Squall." Squall's brow furrowed, confused. "What...? Angry?" 

"He wanted to die, remember? He said he was so angry at you he could've screamed. I don't know what else we can do for him......" 

"I don't know, either, but we can't forsake him, Irvine. We can't turn him over to this. If we do, we'll lose him forever and we won't get him back. I won't let that happen and you know I won't,"Squall said. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Nida entered the infirmary just as Squall and Irvine exited the room they were in. 

"I'm glad I caught you, Squall. We need to talk," she said, looking around. She inhaled deeply. "All of us." She opened once again the door to the room that had seemingly become a sanctuary of sorts for talking and stepped inside. She motioned for them all to come in. Everyone came in, including Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin. 

"I've been talking to Xu.......You all know what's been happening with Zell better than anyone else. He's not getting any better," Nida said, closing her eyes and shaking her head. 

"He hasn't had time to get any better, Nida," Squall said to her, crossing his arms. He didn't like where this conversation was going. Not one bit. She looked up. 

"Like I said, I've been talking to Xu and......we think that if he doesn't get any better soon.....he should be put in a hospital." 

For the first time ever, Squall and Seifer spoke in agreement and in unison. 

"*Absolutely not*," they both said and looked at each other. 

"We can't do that!!" Selphie said. Irvine stood next to her, arching an eyebrow. 

"A hospital? *With* strangers?"Irvine said skeptically. He immediately dismissed the thought and expressed it with a wave of his hand. "Not an option." 

"INEFFECTIVE. DETRIMENTAL TO RECOVERY." 

"Fujin's right, ya know!! It'll only hurt him!!" Raijin said but stopped when Fujin glanced at him. She nodded her head sharply and Raijin let out a sigh of relief. 

"We're *not* putting him in a hospital with strangers," Squall said defiantly, looking down at her harshly. "*I* won't have it and neither will the rest of us. I will lie down in front of the vehicle that tries to take him, Nida. You know I will." 

"And I'll be lyin' next to him," Seifer said, stepping up. Squall looked at him and he returned the glance. "What? I'm just sayin' that I know what's right and what ain't. Sendin' Zell to a hospital to be with strangers instead of here with family isn't right. I'm not the heartless, sadistic creature you all think I am. It'll only do him harm," he said, then directing his gaze to Nida. "Would you want your family to send you away to be with strangers when you needed family the most, Nida?" 

"I have to agree with Seifer, Nida," Rinoa said. "We can't send him away. You said it yourself. We know what's been going on with Zell better than anyone. We've had more contact with him than you have." 

"That's just Xu talking, isn't it, Nida? You don't want to send Zell away, do you? What do *you* want?" Irvine said, kneeling in front of her. 

"I told you. I talked to Xu about it and we think--" 

"He didn't *ask* what *Xu* thinks," Seifer said. "He asked 'what do *you* think?'" 

"I.....I don't want to send him away, either.....but...." 

"*But* nothing," Squall said harshly. "He's not going to a hospital to be with strangers and that's it. We're not going to forsake him, I told Irvine that just a few minutes ago in this very room. It's not going to happen as long as I'm the commander of SeeD." 

"Squall," Nida said, standing up. "Headmaster Cid puts Dr. Kadowaki in charge when he's not here to handle things. And since Dr. Kadowaki is gone, Xu is in charge of Garden. You may be the commander of SeeD, but.....Xu outranks you as far as authority goes. She's your subordinate in the ranks of SeeD, but right now, she's in charge. I don't want to send Zell away, either and you know I don't, but if Xu has her way....." 

"She won't have her way, Nida," Seifer said. 

"*I'll* go get Headmaster Cid's opinion on it. And I already know what *that'll* be," Squall said, making his way toward the door. 

"I'm going, too," Selphie said, following him. "*I* have to be the pilot." 

"Right behind you, Sefie," Irvine said, ducking between Raijin and Fujin to follow her. 

Squall turned around. "We can't *all* go. Someone has to stay here with Zell. And besides, I'm not going now: it's the middle of the night. Everybody just needs to go to bed and I'll choose who goes with me in the morning. But Selphie, you have to go. I can't fly the Ragnarok yet. Everybody just go to bed and be here by at least 8:00 if you don't wanna get left behind." 

Moans of displeasure filled the hallway and the small room. Squall held up his hand and the moaning stopped. "You heard me. Everybody go to bed and be here by 8:00 in the morning." 

They all filed out of the room and said their goodnights as they all disappeared out the door. All but Rinoa, Seifer, and Fujin. Raijin had decided that the sooner that he could get away from Fujin and her temper, the better off his shins would be. 

"Rinoa, you too. I'm staying here tonight. I told you that earlier, remember?" 

"Squall--" 

He gave her a stern look. 

"Ohhhhh.....alright. Meanie.....," she said, walking down the hallway and out the door. 

Squall then looked at Seifer and Fujin. He sighed deeply. He wasn't going to get them to leave easily. 

"There's only one cot, Seifer and the chair is bloody murder." 

"You think *I* was plannin' on stayin' here?" Seifer said and then thought for a moment. "Maybe you were right.....but not in there," he said pointing to Zell's room. "Don't really feel like talking to him again right now." 

Squall looked at him skeptically. "Why? What'd he say to you? More importantly, what'd *you* say to him?" 

"That's between me and Zell, thank you. And no, I didn't say anything you wouldn't like, if that's what you're worried about, puberty boy." 

Squall's hazel eyes narrowed. Seifer turned to look at Fujin. "Go find yourself a place to sleep, Fujin," he said, jerking his head toward the small room down the hall. "I'll find my own." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The next morning everyone was in the infirmary by 8:00 as they had been told to be. They all stood in the hallway in a bundle, except for Seifer and Fujin. They stood against the wall. 

No one had said anything to Zell about where they were going or why. Especially about being sent away to be in a hospital. No one dared mention a word of that. 

"Okay," Squall said, "Selphie, you're coming with me. You have to fly the Ragnarok. Irvine and Rinoa.....I guess you can come, too. Quistis you stay here with Seifer, Raijin, Fujin and Nida and hold the fort until we get back." 

Quistis saluted. "Yes, sir." Squall returned the salute. 

"I told you before you don't have to salute me, Quistis. That was an order." 

"Sorry, Squall. It's just hard to get used to the idea of you being commander." 

He sighed and turned his attention to Selphie, Irvine, and Rinoa. "C'mon, let's go and get back." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

"Is everybody ready?" Selphie asked over the intercom as she put her hand on the starter key. Irvine and Rinoa were down in the barracks, both of them trying to get some sleep. They obviously hadn't slept well. 

"Yes, Selphie, everyone's ready," Squall said with an ounce of annoyment in his voice. He wanted to make this trip and get it over with. He knew what Headmaster Cid was going to say. The trip would've been unnecessary had he been able to get in touch with him in any other way. He leaned his head back and rested his eyes. He hadn't slept any at all the night before. It wasn't that Zell had had any nightmares, he just couldn't sleep. Although his body had felt like a cinder block, he couldn't manage to fall asleep. His mind hadn't let him. He felt a hand touch his shoulder. 

"Are you okay, Squall...?" Selphie asked. He didn't open his eyes. 

"Yeah....." he sighed. "I'm okay, Selphie......Just tired. It's been a hard three days. For all of us. God, it feels like it's been an eternity......" 

"I know," Selphie said, bringing the engine to life. Squall felt the ship clear the ground and then they were steadily climbing upward into the sky, through the roof of gray clouds. 

"I think you and Irvine know that better than anyone else, right now, Selphie...." 

"I don't know....You were the one who saw Zell try to.....kill himself the other night, Squall....I think you've had a harder three days than anyone," Selphie replied, returning her attention to the control panel. The autopilot had malfunctioned on Selphie's way back from Trabia. She had had to fly the rest of the way in herself. It had been hard flying against the storm that had been heading north toward Trabia, but she had made it on her own. She could have flown around it, but Irvine's letter had said for her to come home as quick as she could. So she had flown straight through it. Irvine would have killed her for flying through the storm, had she told him that that was what she had done to get home so quickly. But, she hadn't and it no longer mattered. What was done was done. 

The clouds below them were pink and white in the morning sun. They flew above them. In the distance to their left, the sun had placed a pink and orange hue over the clouds as it rose higher into the sky. Below the clouds, all one could see was an ugly gray ceiling. She was glad that they had the Ragnarok to fly in. If they hadn't she would not have been able to see this. Selphie had never seen a more beautiful sight in her life. But she couldn't concentrate on it for long. Her mind kept drifting back to Zell. How she wished he could have seen it. It might have put a smile on his face. 

She hated the sad look on his face everytime she went into that dismal room. She had come to hate that room. But, she would rather have him in that room than in a hospital with strangers taking care of him. It would look like they were giving up on him and that wasn't the truth. That was the further from the truth than anything in the world. They only wanted the old Zell back. The one who played tricks on Quistis and ate hot dogs until he could burst. The one who was always smiling about something. That's who they wanted back. 

Putting him in a hospital with strangers wasn't going to help and they all knew it. She knew Squall was adamant about putting him in a hospital and with good reason. They would not take Zell away from them without a fight. Selphie and her nunchaku would make sure of that. And if that didn't work, she would, along with Squall and Seifer, lie down in front of the vehicle that tried to take him. 

She glanced over at Squall, who sat in the co-pilot's seat. He was asleep. 

(Good,) she thought. (He deserves it.) 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Selphie dipped the nose of the Ragnarok to fly down through the cloud floor that was breaking apart beneath them. Down below, she saw Edea's house. After flying two and a half hours, she was glad to see it. 

(Finally,) she thought. She brought the Ragnarok down to the ground to land. The landing gear spread out and they landed easily on the surface of the Centra continent. So easily, in fact, that it hadn't woken Squall, who still sat asleep in the chair next to her. She put her hand on his shoulder and shook him. 

"Squall," she said, "we're here." He woke with a start and looked at her. "C'mon," she said. "Let's go see Matron and Headmaster Cid." 

Squall lifted himself out of the chair and stretched his back long and hard. He then realized he hadn't eaten breakfast. He ran his fingers through his hair and followed Selphie to the lift. It carried them down and they entered the hangar of the massive ship. Rinoa and Irvine were coming out of the barracks, both of them looking as haggard as one could look at 10:30 in the morning. 

"Good morning," Rinoa said. "Again." 

"How long we been flyin', Sefie?" Irvine asked, stretching his back, yawning. 

"About two and a half hours," she replied. 

"Two and a half hours???" he whispered. "Two and a half hours....." He began to whimper. "That's all the sleep I get.....It's not fair....."he said, turning around walking back toward the barracks. Selphie reached up slapped him in the back of the head, knocking the hat into the floor. 

"Shut up and be a man!!" 

Irvine picked up his hat as she walked toward the exit. "Yes, mother." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The orphanage had seen better days. But, it was looking better than the last time they had been there. The columns on the front porch had been fixed and the roof was also being fixed. Squall, Rinoa, Selphie and Irvine walked up the steps and knocked on the door. 

"I'm coming," came a female voice from inside. 

The door came open and there in her black dress, stood Edea. She was looking well, as was the interior of the house. 

"Come in! Cid will be overjoyed to see you all here," Edea said, opening the door wider, motioning for them to come inside. 

"That's who we came to see, Matron," Squall said as he entered the house. The others followed him into the bedroom to the left. Headmaster Cid sat on the bed reading a rather large brown book. 

"Cid, look who's come to visit us all the way out here in Centra," Edea said laughing, sitting down on the bed. He looked up from his book and put it on the bedside table. 

"Well, well. It's about time you came and paid me a visit. Heaven knows I pay you enough Gil. Is this a pleasure visit or am I right, and this is a business visit?" 

Squall shuffled his feet. "Yes....It's a business visit of sorts, Headmaster. We're sorry not to have come sooner, but....." 

"Yes, yes. Dispense with the formalities, Squall. You may talk to me just as you talk to anyone else. But, if you choose not to, that's your decision. Continue." 

Squall proceeded to explain the events of the past few days. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

"Oh, dear me......Zell? Not Zell Dincht, surely....." Edea said sadly, shaking her head. 

"Suicide and Zell Dincht.......I never thought I'd see the day when that word and that name could have anything in common.....This is what you came to see me about, Squall?" Cid asked, the expression on his face somber, making him look years older than he was. 

"Yes and no.....You put Xu in charge of Garden, right?" Irvine asked. Cid looked at him, the sunlight that slipped through the blinds bouncing off his light brown hair. 

"Xu is in charge only when Dr. Kadowaki is absent. Why?" 

"Xu says that if Zell doesn't get any better soon.....that she's going to have him put in a hospital," Irvine said, then directing his attention to Edea. "We can't let that happen, Matron,"he said urgently. 

"We want him to stay with us, Headmaster,"Selphie said. "We don't want him to be put in a hospital with strangers! We want him to be able to stay with us so we can take care of him and help him get better!" 

"He's better off with us, his family, than in a building with strangers. It....it would look like we were giving up on him.....if we sent him away....."Rinoa said, placing her hand over her heart. "I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me if I was in that condition, when I needed family the most......" 

"I understand what you all are feeling,"Cid said, standing up. "Yes, it is true that what Zell needs right now the most is you all. He needs his family's support. A person, in a condition like this, without family, *cannot* survive. He needs the support and love only you, his family, can give. The Dincht's in Balamb are his family as well, but he expects them to try to help. To him, it's just their job. Something they have to do. You have no obligation to help him and yet you do anyway, without thought of reward. That is telling him, whether he lets you know it or not, that you care." 

Edea walked over and put a hand on Squall's shoulder. "Right now, Zell is in a state that can be called 'the tunnel'. He is in the dark and he can only see one light at the end of that darkness. He can only see one solution. You have to give him a light other than the one at the end of the tunnel. You have to give him another option. You have to guide him back. Like a lighthouse guides a ship back to land or prevents it from crashing against the rocks. Like the lighthouse, you have choices. You can either guide him back to safety or let him stay lost. Those are your only options. Only one of those will bring him back to you alive. You *must* know and understand this for you to help him." 

"She's right,"Cid said quietly. "You have to be the ones to bring him back out of the darkness he's fallen into." 

"We understand that, Headmaster. We're trying and as much as I hate to agree with Xu, she's right. He's not getting any better,"Squall admitted. It was true. He wasn't getting any better that they could tell. He wasn't talking about anything but wanting to be hated and dying. Squall hated that he wasn't getting any better. It frustrated him to no end. He was frustrated with Zell for not seeing that they did care and also, with himself for not trying hard enough to make him see it. There had to have been something that he hadn't done that needed to be done in order for Zell to get better. He hated himself for not finding it yet. 

"I know you're frustrated, Squall. I can see it in your eyes,"Edea said, smiling at him. "But, you *must* bear this with him. He will get better. You and the others must only give him time. Time, commitment, and, of course, the care he needs. A nurturing environment can remedy even the most horrid of pasts,"she said and went to look out the window. Squall watched her, listening to everything she had to say to them. 

"He is very selfish right now, you know that, don't you?"she said softly. "He can only see the pain he is in and the only thing he cares about is getting rid of it. By any means necessary. It's difficult for him to see or imagine anything else. And, as I said, he can only see one solution." 

"We know....but...nothing we're doing is helping, Matron...."Irvine said. Selphie stepped up in front of him. 

"If anything, he only seems to be getting worse,"Selphie said. She recalled the events of the night before and they brought back tears. "After what he was telling Irvine and me last night, Matron, he can only be getting worse....." She choked the last words as she fought to regain control of herself. Irvine pulled her close, but she pushed him away. "I'm okay......I just don't know how he could say those.....horrible things to us....." 

"And Seifer's back,"Rinoa said quietly to Cid. 

"Seifer.....{sigh}....That boy..."Edea said sadly, closing her eyes. "What's he doing back? Not itching for a fight, I hope. One would think he's learned his lesson......" 

"No. He came back after he found out about Zell. I'm not sure why,"Squall admitted. "He said that he doesn't want to fight, but that he would if we tried to make him leave......I don't want a conflict in Garden right now, if I can help it. There's just so much going on....." 

"I know, Squall. I made you the commander of SeeD because I knew you could handle it. I have faith in you,"Cid said. 

Squall crossed his arms and bowed his head. "Well, I'd appreciate it if you would have a little *less* faith in me. I can only take care of so much, Headmaster." 

"I'm glad you think you can be blunt with me, Squall. That is understandable. But, you are at an advantage as SeeD commander, Squall, you realize that, don't you? If you were not, you would not have the control over this situation that Zell is in, now. You would not be able to stay with him during the nights and visit whenever you pleased. Not that *I* would do anything to stop you, but you would not have control of the Ragnarok to come and get my permission. And in that, you have the advantage of being her superior." 

Squall hated to admit that the old man was indeed right. This was the only time he had been grateful for his position as SeeD commander. He sighed. "You're right, Headmaster....." 

"Now, I will write a letter to Xu telling her that Zell is to remain *at* Garden and if she disobeys my instructions, she will be punished severely. And he is to remain there until *you*,"he said, pointing at Squall,"say otherwise. Which I doubt will *ever* happen." 

Cid was doing it again. Dumping even more responsibility on him. He said he understood, but how could he? He had had practice at being a leader. Squall was only seventeen years old. He could not make these decisions alone. 

"I won't be the only one making that decision, Headmaster. If anyone does present the idea, which I don't believe will happen anytime soon, it won't be me alone making that decision. It will be everyone's decision." 

************************************************************************************************ 

That's Chapter 8. Stay tuned for the next chapter. 

Phoenixcadet 


	9. Changes of Heart

Here's chapter 9. It's a short one. 

Phoenixcadet 

************************************************************************************************ The four of them reentered Garden through the parking lot entrance. Irvine, Selphie, and Rinoa followed Squall back down the giant hall. Squall's head whipped to the left as he heard the sound of a battle coming from the infirmary. There was trouble. 

He ran down the hall, the others in hot pursuit as Squall strained his neck trying to see what was going on. There, in front of the infirmary, was Seifer, gunblade in hand, and Xu. She was accompanied by two boys in SeeD uniforms. Seifer, however, was not without aide of his own. Standing behind him was Nida, Quistis, Raijin and Fujin, all with weapons out and pointed at Xu. 

That was all Squall needed to see. He drew his gunblade as he came to a halt right behind Xu. "What in blazes is going on??!!" he yelled. Xu turned around and looked at him. She was about to speak when Seifer cut her off. 

"I'll tell you what's going on!! Lil' miss 'I'm gonna have *my* way' decided to go ahead and try to take him outta here before you got back, is what's goin' on!" 

"And *we* decided she wasn't gonna do it," Nida declared, stomping her foot on the ground. 

"DIRECTIVE REMAINS UNACCOMPLISHED." 

Squall looked at the SeeDs standing next to Xu. "What were you two told? What did Xu tell you you were to do?" Xu stepped in front of the boys before they could answer. 

"I told them that-" 

"I wasn't talking to you, Xu," Squall said through gritted teeth, turning his attention back to the boys behind her. He moved Xu aside. The two boys were almost as tall as he was. He had seen them around before, but had never talked to them. At the sight of their commander, they snapped to attention. 

"We were told, sir, that there was a student down here in the infirmary that was potentially dangerous to the rest of the inhabitants of Balamb Garden, sir," the boy on the left said and swallowed. "T'that's what we were told, sir. Are we in trouble...?" 

"No. You just followed orders based on the information you were given," he said and gave Xu an angry glance. "No matter how *untrue* that information was. I've seen you hanging around Zell Dincht. Friends of his?" 

The boys looked at each other. "Yessir," the one on the right replied shakily, a look of concern crossing his face. "What does that have to do with.....?" 

"That's who you were about to take out of here. I'm sure if you were informed that that was who you were supposed to be removing from Garden, you wouldn't have followed orders, would you've?" 

"No sir! We didn't know it was Zell! Xu didn't tell us. We were only supposed to get her into the infirmary and then return to what we were doing before she came and got us." 

"That's what I want you to do now. Go back to what you were doing and don't neither of you breathe a word about Zell's being in the infirmary, do you understand me?" Squall said sternly. "And from now on, you do *not* follow *any* order until it is cleared with me, is that understood? You didn't know, so I'll let it slide this time. Next time, you're in trouble." 

The two answered in unison. "Yes sir!" 

"Good. Now go back to where you were. Hurry up." 

The boys ran down the hall into the training center. Squall turned to Xu angrily. 

"*That's* what you told them??! That there was a student that was potentially dangerous to the rest of Garden?! I'm going back to Headmaster Cid tomorrow to see about getting you relieved of your command for deliberately giving false information" 

Selphie shoved Squall aside and slapped her hand across Xu's face as hard as she could, raking her fingernails down her flesh. "*How* dare you....?!! He is anything *but* dangerous right now, don't you understand??" she said harshly, putting her hands on her hips. 

Xu turned her face back around, blood dripping from the small gashes down to her uniform. "You *will* pay for that, Selphie Tilmitt." 

Selphie yanked free her Strange Vision from it's holster on her back. "Do you want to try to live up to that statement?" 

Xu pulled out her sais from her belt. "Very much." 

Irvine grabbed Selphie and threw her over his shoulder. "C'mon, Selphie. You two can fight later." He carried her down the hall, past the others and into the infirmary, as Selphie yelled curses back at Xu. 

"What did you think you were doing, Xu?" Rinoa asked. "Did you think we weren't going to find out??! God, Xu, you knew before you even did it that Squall would fight you over this!!" 

"He is a danger to the rest of Garden, Rinoa. And you are not of this Garden, therefore it is *none* of your concern," Xu said sharply. 

"None of my concern?! Zell is my friend, as well as all who are in this hall now! It is every bit of my concern! If there is anyone who doesn't need to be concerned with this matter, it's you!!!" 

Squall pushed a fuming Rinoa Heartilly behind him as he pulled a light blue document scroll from his belt. "Take this and get out of here. If you come back to this infirmary, I won't hold them back, do you understand me?" Squall said, pointing over to Seifer and the others. "Selphie looked like she was about to kill you a minute ago. It would do you good to stay away from this place for a while, Xu." Squall was in no mood to play games. He wanted her gone from the infirmary. 

She snatched the scroll from his hand. It was a light blue scroll case, with blue wax on the capped end. On the cap, embedded in the wax, was the seal of Balamb Garden. Cid had put it there so she would have no doubt as to who sent the letter. She peeled away the wax and removed the cap. She let the rolled letter slide out into her hand. She unrolled it. 

'Xu, This is concerning Zell Dincht and your trying to remove him from Garden. As you probably now know, Squall, Rinoa, Irvine, Selphie and Quistis are all adamant against putting him into a hospital. I share this feeling with them. He needs the support of his family now, at this point in his life, more than he will ever need it. He is alone, desperate and, most importantly, frightened. You must not deny him the comfort of family. I believe wholeheartedly that that is the key to his survival. Therefore, he is to remain within Garden until Squall says otherwise. Which I am sure will not be anytime soon. As of now, you have absolutely no control whatsoever over this situation concerning Zell Dincht. You will not see him, you will not speak to him, you will have no contact of any kind with him, is that understood? I will speak with you when I return in one month. If you do not do as I say, you will be severely punished. 

In my own hand, 

Headmaster Cid Kramer and also Headmistress Edea Kramer of Balamb Garden' 

Xu looked at Squall angrily. "Fine. Do whatever you want with him. I don't *want* anything else to do with him." 

"Don't come back, Xu," Squall said to her as she turned to walk away. "Don't come back to this infirmary until Zell isn't in here anymore. I'll kill you." 

"You had better learn to stop making empty threats, Squall Leonhart, before they catch up with you." 

Rinoa pulled on his arm. "Don't let her get to you, Squall," she whispered. "C'mon. Let's go see Zell." 

Squall sighed heavily as he watched Xu walk down the hall back toward the elevator. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Inside the infirmary...... 

"What on earth got into you out there, Selphie?" Irvine exclaimed. "I've never seen you that angry!" 

"She got what she deserved," Selphie said to him, crossing her arms. She had never hit anyone with her hand before; she had always used her nunchaku. Slapping Xu had proved to be more satisfying than using her nunchaku ever would have. Xu had had no right to do what she did. 

Selphie stuck her hand up under the running water in the sink to wash off the blood that had been picked up. "That actually felt good, Irvine." 

Irvine knew Selphie couldn't be the same person under the situation at hand. He had known it even before he had sent the letter to Trabia. He turned his attention to the hallway as Squall and the others entered the infirmary. 

"Nida," Squall said to her, "you heard me out in the main hall. Xu is not to be here in this infirmary as long as Zell's here. *No* exceptions." 

"Yessir," she said, snapping to attention. 

Selphie came out into the hallway and walked into Zell's room. Irvine followed her out into the hall, but went to where Squall stood. 

"What got into Selphie out there, Irvine?" 

"I don't know. She's just not the same person under the circumstances, I guess," Irvine said, shrugging his shoulders. "*I* sure haven't ever seen her do anything like that." 

"I would have done it if Selphie hadn't beaten me to it," Rinoa said from behind Squall. 

"B**** got what she needed," Seifer said, walking past them. He was followed by Raijin and Fujin, as always, into the snack room. Selphie poked her head out the door of Zell's room. They all looked at her. 

"Squall...? He's asking for you......" Selphie said uneasily as she stepped out the door. Squall walked through the open door and into the small room, once again. He pushed the door shut behind him. Zell lied on the bed facing away from the door, sunlight barely peeking through the blinds. The lights were always dim in the room. He said they hurt his eyes if they were on completely. He lied curled up with his knees to his chest as tightly as he could get them, his eyes shut. 

"Zell.....?" Squall said, walking to the other side of the bed so he could see his face. He placed a hand on Zell's shoulder as he sat down on the bed next to him. "You alright.....?" 

His eyes didn't open. "Promise me something, Squall," he whispered. "Please....." 

"What do you want me to promise you.....? You know I can't promise you anything, Zell. Tell me," Squall whispered in return. He didn't know what Zell wanted from him and he was scared to find out. He was afraid it might be something he couldn't give. 

"Promise me......that.....when I die.....no one will cry," he whispered. 

"Zell.......don't talk like that. You're not going to die yet. I won't let it happen," Squall said softly. 

"Please promise me that, Squall......promise me you or anyone else won't cry when I die......I don't want anyone to feel bad for me......" Zell's blue eyes opened to look up at Squall, pleading. "Please," he whispered again, more urgently. 

Squall looked down into his eyes. He was so afraid. He could see it in Zell's eyes; he was scared beyond anything he could imagine. "I don't know if I can make that promise....." 

"You have to, Squall...You have to promise me that....." 

Squall swallowed. He knew he couldn't make that promise. "I...I'll try, Zell. I'll try. I can't promise you no one will cry but I'll try to keep my promise. Try's the best I can to, man...." 

"Just try if that's all you can do, Squall....thanks." 

"What are you scared of, Zell?" Squal whispered, getting up and sitting down in the chair by the bed. He moved the chair as close to the bed as he could get it. "What are you so afraid of....? I see it in your eyes everytime I look at you; you're scared." 

Zell looked at him and his bottom lip trembled ever so slightly that one had to look for it to notice. He shut his eyes and a tear rolled down onto the pillow. 

"What's wrong....? What are you scared of....?" Squall asked, placing his hand back on Zell's shoulder. His eyes opened and looked at Squall. "What is it...?" 

".....myself....." he whispered shakily. "I'm scared of myself...." 

"What do you mean....? Why are you scared of yourself?" 

Zell stared past Squall and at the wall that was beyond him. "Three quarters of the time, I'm happy with my life, I'm ready for anything.....The other quarter is this....I hate myself, I wish I was dead, I don't want to live anymore.....I'm scared that that last quarter is winning, Squall.....I'm afraid I'm gonna end up hurting myself or someone else....." 

"We're trying to help you, Zell, you know we are. That's why I stay here in the infirmary with you as much as *I* can, so I can make sure you don't hurt yourself, so I can make sure you get any help you need. I don't wanna see you get killed," Squall said, getting out of the chair and sitting down on the bed next to him again. "I don't wanna see any of my friends get hurt." 

"I....I know you're trying to help me.....a'and I love you guys with all my heart an' soul for it....but," He closed his eyes. ".....I don't know if it's working," he sobbed, more tears landing on the pillow. 

Squall watched as he began to cry. He was scared of himself. Deep down, Squall realized, he was scared of himself as well. He was afraid that he would have something worthwhile lying right in front of him and not realize it. Like Rinoa. Because of his attitude, he had almost lost Rinoa before he had even had her. But, he knew that that was nothing like what Zell was feeling. Zell was afraid of himself for another reason entirely. 

As far as Squall could tell, what Zell was feeling was like being split in two. One part wanted one thing, and the other part wanted something else. And, like Zell had said, the other, smaller part was winning. One part of him wanted to live and be happy; the other wanted him to die. Zell was afraid of that other part. He was afraid the latter was winning. 

Zell lied in the bed, breathing irregularly. He gasped for breath with each sob. "I don't wanna die......I'm so scared, Squall, I don't wanna die.......*I don't wanna die*......" 

Squall choked back tears at this. He felt so sad for him. He felt helpless. This, he realized, must have been what Selphie and Irvine were going through. Now he understood. Zell continued to sob quietly, hugging his knees as he shut his eyes tighter. 

"Please, don't let me die, Squall......please....." he whispered. 

"We're not gonna let anything happen to you, Zell," Squall managed. He was on the verge of tears himself. He couldn't cry, though. He had to stay strong. If Zell thought that he had lost hope, he would lose his. 

Squall was far from losing hope. 

************************************************************************************************ 

Chapter 10's next, folks. Sorry this one was so short. 

Phoenixcadet 


	10. Shards

Squall woke up in the cot, the morning sun poking through the blinds as it had been doing the mornings before. He sat up and looked at Zell, who still lied asleep in the bed. Squall studied his face a moment. He looked so much better than when he had brought him into the infirmary. The bruises on his cheeks were gone and the cuts nearly healed with the help of cure spells. But Squall knew that, despite appearances, he was no better. 

He got up off the cot and stretched his back. The cot was a lot better than the chair, but it still wasn't a bed. He stretched his neck to the side and it popped. He shook his head, trying to wake up. He looked at the clock. (6:30.......God, it's too early.....) he thought. (Might as well get up anyway.....) 

He walked out into the hallway, leaving Zell's door cracked open. There was nothing for him to do except wait for the others to come. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Selphie, Rinoa and Irvine entered the infirmary around 7:15. Squall leaned against the wall, watching them approach. Irvine tipped his hat. "You up already?" 

"Are you kidding, Irvine? I've been up since 6:30," Squall said. "And what about you? You love your sleep as much as you love your women." 

Irvine pulled Selphie close to him. "I wouldn't go that far with it. We just went to eat breakfast in the cafeteria. Why don't you go get something? I know you gotta be hungry." 

"Yeah, Squall. Go get something to eat. We'll stay here and watch Zell," Selphie said. She looked over at the door to Zell's room. "How is he.....?" she asked quietly. 

Squall sighed. He couldn't count the number of times he had been asked that question in the past few days. "The same. He didn't have any nightmares last night, though. That's one thing I'm happy about." 

"And the other thing?" Irvine asked. 

"He looks so much better than when I first brought him here. The bruises are almost completely gone and the cuts are almost healed." 

"There's nothing wrong with his body, Squall. If only cure spells could cure sickness of the mind......," Rinoa, shaking his head. "No matter how much he heals on the outside, it won't matter unless he's healed in his heart." 

"Go get something to eat, Squall. We'll stay here," Selphie said, nodding her head toward the door. 

"Alright.....I'll be back soon," Squall said, walking toward the door. Rinoa followed. 

"Wait for me!!" 

Selphie and Irvine watched them leave and they turned to walk into Zell's room. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

"Are you hungry, Zell?" Selphie asked him. It was 8:00 in the morning and Zell had just woken up. He lied in the bed and stared down at the sheets. 

Squall and Rinoa had gone to Balamb to see the Dincht's and tell them how Zell was doing. They had said that they would be back in about an hour and a half. Seifer, Raijin and Fujin were in the training center doing what they did best. And Quistis? No one knew where Quistis was. 

"No," he answered. 

"Zell....Please don't start the not eating thing again.....You have to eat something...." Selphie pleaded. 

"I didn't say I didn't want anything, Selphie," he said back to her, shutting his eyes. "I said I'm not hungry. I'm not trying to starve myself again." 

Selphie let out a sigh of relief. "You scared me for a second.....I thought--" 

"I know, Selphie." 

"Zell.......what...what happened...after Amber died?" 

Zell looked up at her. 

"If you don't wanna talk about it....that's okay," Selphie said, realizing she had asked the wrong question. 

"No, that's alright....I need to talk about it, I guess....." Zell said, his hand fidgeting with the pillowcase. He closed his eyes. "....I stopped talking." 

Selphie cocked her head to the side slightly, not understanding. "...What...what do you mean?" 

"I mean what I said. I stopped talking. After Amber died, the next family I was in had a rule: children were to be seen and not heard. Literally. You made noise, you got smacked. I learned that the hard way. After a while, I didn't say anything even when my foster parents weren't around. I was scared I was gonna say something wrong. If I got hurt, I was scared to even cry," Zell said quietly. "At school, I didn't talk and the teachers got worried. So they interviewed my foster parents and asked if....they were abusing me. Of course, they said 'no'. They took me home and whipped me like I hadn't ever been whipped before. They told me to talk at school, that that was their rule, not the rule there. I was confused. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to do. I'd been taught one thing and then told to do another." 

"Zell.....how could they do that.....? I can't imagine....anyone doing anything like that....It....it's not human...." 

"I know. That's what social services said. They took me away from them. But, even then I still didn't talk. They told me I could, that I could talk if I wanted, but I'd been hit so many times, I didn't believe them. I got put in another family after that. The only reason they adopted me was for the money they got every month to take care of me." 

"That's so cruel....." 

Zell gripped the pillowcase. "No.....they weren't cruel.....they just........didn't love me.....Then even they ended up having to take me back to the orphanage.....I don't know why.....I don't know whether or not they just didn't want me anymore or.....I don't know...." Zell said, and looked up at Selphie. "I know it's hard for you to listen to this....." 

"No, it's okay," Selphie answered. "I wanna know why you feel the way you do." 

"And why I am the way I am....?" 

"Yes...I want to know why...." 

".......I guess the GFs made me forget about everything that happened before the Dincht's adopted me......They raised me from when I was about 9 years old.....my grandpa gave me a GF of my own and taught me how to junction for the first time.....I kept Deimos junctioned to me most of the time....I guess that's why I couldn't remember anything about before the Dincht's adopted me......But in Timber, when I said that we were from Garden, when everyone started yelling at me.....everything flooded back to me in....in just a tidal wave.....It felt like I'd been riding a bicycle and just got hit by a car......I remembered I wasn't supposed to talk...." 

"That's why you didn't talk on the train, isn't it...?" Selphie asked, leaning forward in the chair. Zell nodded. 

"I always knew there was a reason I wasn't supposed to talk......" 

"What they did to you was wrong, Zell. Nobody's going to hit you for talking anymore." 

"I know that, Selphie. I know that now. But, I didn't know that on the train....That's why I didn't talk to Squall when he came up to me when I was by the window. I was afraid to talk to him. I was afraid he was mad at me, that he'd hit me like my other parents had if I talked...." 

Selphie got up and sat on the bed, looking down at him. "You were afraid of Squall....?" He nodded. "You know Squall wouldn't--" 

"I *know*, Selphie.....But I didn't know that on the train......I was scared. Everything had just come back to me, I was scared, I didn't know what to think.....Part of me was scared to death, the other part knew I was among friends," Zell said, his hand still fidgeting with the pillowcase. He kept his eyes closed. "I didn't know.....You don't have to say anything......" 

And she didn't. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

The day passed by as normal as it could under the circumstances and before anyone knew so much time had passed, it was night again. It was nearly 9:00 and all had returned to the infirmary. They all stood in the hallway, talking amongst themselves about the next day. Most of them didn't know what they were going to do. Others, like Squall and Rinoa, knew what they were going to do. They were going to stay in the infirmary. 

They had recieved a letter from Dr. Kadowaki stating that she would be gone longer than expected. She inquired about how Zell was doing and was he getting better. Squall had written a letter in response. He didn't know quite what to say to her. Zell was acting like he was getting better, but Squall didn't know for sure. 

Quistis came through the door and entered the hallway. She walked to where Squall stood by the door to Zell's room. She touched his shoulder. 

"Squall.....?" 

He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Hmm? What is it, Quistis?" 

"I was talking to Xu.....She wants to talk to us. All of us." 

"I don't want to talk to her, Quistis. You know--" 

"I know, Squall. I didn't like what she tried to do today, either, but....She just wants to talk. It couldn't hurt, could it?" Quistis asked him. Squall closed his eyes. He didn't want to talk to Xu. But, Quistis was right. It couldn't do any harm. 

........could it...? 

"Alright.....I don't guess it could hurt......she said everyone?" 

Quistis nodded. "But, someone needs to stay here with Zell....." 

"Selphie'll do it. I don't think she needs to talk to Xu right now. Not after what happened earlier," Squall said. 

"I think Selphie's just under a lot of stress with Zell being here and Trabia being rebuilt.....She's just not herself, I guess," Quistis said quietly. Selphie stood just a few feet away on the other side of the hall with Irvine. 

"I'll go on ahead and go up to the bridge. You get everybody up there except Selphie. Tell her she's to stay here." 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

They all stepped into the elevator. Irvine pressed the button for the third floor and there was a mechanical whir as they ascended to the third floor. The elevator was hardly big enough for the six of them. Rinoa and Squall had gone on ahead. There was a ding as the elevator came to a halt. They all stepped out into the small room that came before the bridge. Squall stood next to Rinoa, talking to Xu. Xu noticed that the others had arrived. 

"I'm glad all of you are here. I.....wanted to tell you all that I'm sorry for the way I behaved this morning. I hope you can forgive me...." 

"Why did you do it?" Irvine asked her bluntly, stepping up in front of Quistis and Nida. 

"I...I was afraid of Zell, I guess....He's a danger to everyone here and I thought that if I could get him the help he needs, he wouldn't be a danger anymore....." 

"Xu, Zell is not a danger to anyone here. He wouldn't hurt any of us for anything in the world," Quistis said. 

"Under normal circumstances, I know that to be very true. He would give his life for anyone in this room *under normal circumstances*. But this is far from normal. He only cares for himself right now. When I was trying to put him in a hospital, I was only trying to keep what happened to a friend of mine from happening to any of you," Xu stated. 

"And what would that be...?" Squall asked her, leaning against the wall. 

"A friend of mine had known that a friend of hers was suicidal. One night she went over to her house when she was alone," Xu said, looking at the floor, crossing her arms. ".....She never came out of that house alive. Her friend killed her, and then herself after she realized what she had done. I live with that every day. If her friend had only gotten the treatment that she needed, *my* friend would still be alive." 

"Are you saying that Zell would kill us...?" Rinoa asked her skeptically. "He wouldn't--" 

"You're thinking about normal circumstances, Rinoa. This is *not* normal by any means," Xu said and turned her attention to Squall. "Do you take your gunblade with you to the infirmary when you stay with Zell at night, Squall? Do you keep it where you could reach it, should you need it?" 

"No, I don't. I don't have any reason to keep it close to me in the infirmary," Squall said, shaking his head. 

"There's a potentially fatal mistake. What if Zell suddenly decides that it's *your* fault he is the way he is? What do you think he would do? With his temper, what do you think he would do? Do any of you truly think you have a chance without your weapons?" Xu asked looking around at all the faces in the room. 

"Xu, Zell told me last night he didn't want to die--" 

"And how much did you believe him, Squall? How much did you honestly believe him?" Xu asked him. "What none of you understand is, Zell's mind can change just like *that*," she said, snapping her fingers. "I know. I've been there. I've seen it happen. His mind right now is a tangle of emotions that he doesn't understand and doesn't want to. He doesn't know what he wants or what he needs. His mind can change in less than a second." 

Silence filled the room. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ Selphie sat on the bed next to Zell. She hoped the others would be back soon. She didn't like staying with Zell by herself. He scared her with all his talk about death. 

"I'm sorry about the other day, Selphie......" Zell said quietly, hugging his knees. "I'm sorry I made you cry." 

"That's okay. I forgive you. Just as long as you know that I don't hate you." 

"I know.....But, that doesn't mean that I understand why you don't, though....." 

"Zell, we all love you.....none of us could truly hate you for anything....Your parents love you just like-" 

Zell's head snapped up to look at her. "How do you know that?" he asked her warily. "Have you talked to them?" 

"N'no...." she stammered. Selphie was a terrible liar and she knew it. 

"You talked to them, didn't you, Selphie?" he asked her harshly. "They know, don't they? You told them, I know you did, I can see it in your eyes." He sat up in the bed and looked at her. 

"Zell, it-it was an accident....w'we didn't mean--" 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

"He could easily kill any one of us in this room if we were without our weapons. All you realize that, don't you? Without your weapons, you're just another teenager. Not Zell. Where you're weak, he's strong. If he were to fight any of you hand-to-hand, he would win," Xu said to all of them. "I have no doubt about that. I suggest that if you all continue staying with him at night, you watch over him in pairs." 

"We'd better get back. It's almost 9:30," Squall said, looking at the clock on the wall. He sighed. "We'll take your advice, Xu. From now on we watch in pairs." 

"I hope you don't think so bad of me now," Xu said to them. 

"We understand now what you were trying to do," Rinoa said to her. "We just wish you would have told us and then there wouldn't have been such a fuss." 

"I know. I wasn't thinking clearly...." Xu replied. "Go on, all of you. Get back to Zell. He needs you." 

Xu didn't know it then, but truer words were never spoken. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

They all reentered the infirmary and walked down the hall, with Squall and Irvine in the lead, followed by Rinoa and Quistis. Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin kept to the back of the group, as always. Irvine came to a halt as he saw that the door to Zell's room stood wide open. Squall stepped inside the room. 

Zell was not there. And where was Selphie....? 

Squall looked around the room quickly. "Selphie?? Zell...?!" he called loudly. Then he saw her. Selphie's hand lie sticking out from behind the other side of the bed. Squall gasped lightly as he rounded the bed. 

Selphie lied sprawled on the floor, unconscious. Irvine shoved Squall out of his way as he knelt down and picked her up. He held her in his arms and shook her. 

"Selphie...??" he called to her. She moaned slightly and opened her eyes. 

"Irvine...?" 

"Did Zell do this to you?" Squall asked her softly. 

She nodded. "I let it slip that we had talked to his parents, Irvine....." she said, sitting up on the floor. "I think I'm okay. My jaw'll be sore for a week....." she said, rubbing her chin. 

"Selphie, where is Zell now? Do you know?" Squall asked her urgently. She shook her head. 

"We have to go look for him. Irvine, you stay here with Selphie," Squall said and turned to the others who stood in the doorway. "Quistis, you and Nida take the Quad. Raijin, Fujin, the training center. Seifer, you're with me. I'm going to the ballroom. Nida, find someone to search the library and then go with Quistis." 

"I wanna help look for Zell, Squall," Selphie said, standing up. Squall looked at her. 

"You sure you're up for it? If so, we need someone to search the dorms. You and Irvine can have that job," Squall said and looked at Irvine. "That alright with you?" 

Irvine stood up next to Selphie and nodded. "That's fine with me. We'll search the dorms." He looked around at everyone standing still. "Let's get a move on!!! We won't find him sitting here on our butts!!" 

Squall turned around and watched as the ones behind him left for their positions. Irvine and Selphie ran past him and down the hall, following the others out of the infirmary. That left Seifer. 

"Let's go if we're goin'," he said smartly, leaning on the door frame. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Irvine and Selphie ran down the hallway of the dorms to Zell's room, hoping to find him there. They rounded a corner and Zell's door stood open, swaying slightly back and forth. He had just been there. Or worse, he was still there. They entered the dark room, looking around. 

"Zell...?" Selphie called. She half hoped that he wasn't there, so she didn't have to see him again. True, she did hope that he was found, just not by her. She didn't know what to say to him if she did find him. 

"Hey, look," Irvine said, pointing to a small box that lie open on the floor. He knelt down and picked it up. "Selphie, I just remembered.....we never finished checking the back of his closet..." he said, picking up the box and turning it over, letting the contents spill to the floor. Irvine moved so the light from the doorway hit the objects that had come from the box. Irvine knew the deadly objects all to well. 

Bullets. 

Lying a few feet from him, by the bedside table, Irvine saw a red pill. He picked it up and held it to the light. 

"What is that?" Selphie asked him, kneeling down to look at it. 

"It's kind of like a sleeping pill, I think. I remember them from a health class I took in Galbadia Garden. They make you tired." 

Selphie's eyes widened. "You don't think that Zell.....?" 

"I don't know, Selphie. But if he did, he took a lot of them. See...?" Irvine said, noticing a small black case that looked like a medicine bottle lying in the floor by the bedside table. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Seifer and Squall walked across the ballroom floor, looking around warily. In the darkness shrouding the ballroom, there were a million places Zell could hide and not be discovered. He was good at hiding and being quiet. He could hide behind any of the marble columns that gave the room a frightening quality on a night such as this. 

Squall suddenly realized something. 

It was cold. 

He immediately looked across the room to his left at the door that lead to the terrace. It stood open, allowing the frigid air from the Alcauld Plains to flood the room. "Seifer," he whispered and pointed to the door. Seifer nodded and they ran quietly as they could over to the door. 

Squall heard a click before he went through the door. It was the unmistakeable sound of a cocking revolver. Squall opened the door wide to see Zell leaning on the railing of the terrace, the revolver's barrel aimed loosely at his right temple. 

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.............Chapter 11's next. Stay tuned. 

Phoenixcadet 


	11. Instincts Felt, Choices Made

A lot of readers are going to murder me for this......'Sorry!!!' in advance!!!!! 

Phoenixcadet 

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"Zell.....put the gun down," Squall said softly, approaching his friend slowly. Zell backed away from him, holding the barrel shakily to his temple. He held onto the railing, holding himself up. His legs were trembling from the pills. He could hardly hold himself up. 

"G'get away from me!!" he yelled, pressing the weapon firmly to his temple, tears streaming down his cheeks. He wiped his eyes, sobbing. 

"Please put the gun down, Zell," Squall said to him. He had to stay calm and speak softly, choosing his words carefully. (I gotta get that gun from him somehow......God, how did he even get one....?) 

"I'is Selphie okay...? I'I didn't mean to hurt her, Squall.....I'm sorry....." he cried, wiping his eyes again. "I didn't mean to......" 

"Selphie's alright, Zell. You didn't hurt her. She's fine," Squall said, taking a small step forward. Zell took the gun from his head and pointed it at Squall. 

"Get *away* from me!!" 

"Zell, just put the gun down and we'll talk......*just* you and me, okay....?" 

"I don't wanna talk anymore...." he sobbed, putting the gun back to his head. "I always end up hurting somebody when I talk....You promised they wouldn't find out, Squall, you promised....." 

"I *know* I promised, Zell.....You don't know how sorry I am....It was an accident, Zell, I'm sorry...." 

"I *trusted* you...." Zell whispered in return. The tears kept coming and Zell kept wiping them away. "I trusted you......" 

"I know....I'm sorry, Zell....Just please put the gun down, I wanna help you," Squall said softly. "I wanna help you so much, it's eating a hole in me....Remember last night...? You told me you didn't wanna die, remember....? Do you remember telling me that...?" 

Zell swallowed hard. His cheeks were wet, despite his attempts to keep them dry. He sobbed, still wiping his eyes furiously. 

"It's okay...." Squall told him. "It's okay to cry when you're hurting inside. It's good to cry, sometimes." 

Seifer stood back by the door, letting Squall handle the negotiations. He had helped Squall find him. He was just backup in case something happened. He only returned to Garden to try and redeem himself for what he had done in the past. He had seen Zell's self-destructiveness as an opportunity to redeem himself. If he could save Zell, he would be forgiven for what he had done against Garden. He only wanted forgiveness and this was the best way to get it. 

"Put the gun down, Zell, *please*," Squall pleaded. "I don't wanna see you get hurt, please..." 

"I can't...." Zell sobbed. "I need it, Squall, I have to have it....." 

"No, you don't, Zell. The gun can't make anything go away, like you think it can. It only makes things worse. You're hurting *me* *here*, right now, do you know that?" Squall said, putting his hand over his heart. "Put it down, for my sake, if you won't for your own." 

"It all goes back to you, doesn't it....?" Zell asked him. "You don't want me to die because it'll make you feel guilty. You don't want to feel any guilt because you don't like feeling guilty for anything.....You know you'll feel guilty if I die, so you don't want me to, is that it...? Guilt's a foreign thing to you, isn't it....?" 

"That's not it, Zell.....That's far from it and you know it. I *know* you've hurting inside, I *know* you've been through hell and back, I just wanna help you. But, I can't help you until you put the gun down," Squall said, the cold wind from the plains flowing through his jacket. If Zell didn't kill himself, he would catch pneumonia if he stayed outside much longer. 

"....Y'you're lying....You don't wanna help me....You're just....just...." Zell began to sob uncontrollably, hanging onto the railing tightly. His knees tried to buckle, but he caught himself before he could hit the floor of the terrace. As Zell's face turned away, the gun taken away from his head, Squall saw an opportunity to seize it from him. He bolted forward and grabbed for the revolver. Zell held onto it tightly and they each fought for control of it. 

A gunshot pierced the quiet of the night air. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Elsewhere in Garden, a minute before.... 

"NOT THERE," Fujin said. All had assembled in the main hallway in front of the directory, each finding nothing. 

Irvine held up the small black bottle. "We found this in his room, along with some bullets. They were in the floor in a box. And this," he said, holding up the red pill he and Selphie had discovered. 

Quistis took the pill from his hand and examined it. "It's a depressant. Like alcohol, it slows down your reflexes and your body functions, like heartbeat, and breathing." 

"This bottle had one left in it," Irvine said to her. "This bottle could hold at least twenty of those." 

"Squall and Seifer are still gone," Rinoa said. She had volunteered to search the library and she too had found nothing. "Do you think they found him?" 

As if by cue, they all heard a distant gunshot echo through the hall. Quistis covered her mouth. 

"Oh, no......" 

Nida started running toward the elevator, waving for them to follow. "C'mon!!!!!" 

________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Seifer's eyes widened as he watched Zell collapse forward, Squall wrapping his arms around him and pulling him down to the floor. Squall pulled him close as he felt a wetness spread on his shirt. He looked down at Zell. He had been shot through the center of his midsection, blood overflowing onto Squall's shirt. His shirt was already black with blood around the bottom. He placed his hand over the wound and pressed down. 

"Curaga," he choked. A green light surrounded Zell and the bleeding came to an end as it had before in the training center. But, Squall knew there was no chance of him making it back to the infirmary with him this time. The wound was too severe and cure spells could only stop the bleeding. He could only prolong the inevitable. 

Zell looked up at him, the moonlight reflecting off his blue eyes and the tears on his cheeks. "I'm sorry......." 

"Shhhhh, don't be sorry...." Squall whispered. "It's gonna be okay," he lied. He knew it wasn't going to be okay. He wasn't going to see Zell at breakfast in the morning. Or the cocky grin he always sported when he won a game of Triple Triad. Or in class, griping because he got an F on a test. He wasn't going to ever see him come in from the training center out of breath again. Or do backflips when he got promoted up a rank. 

He wasn't going to see any of those things because he had made a choice. He could have waited and kept trying to talk him into putting the gun down. But he hadn't. He had made the choice to try and take it from him. If only he hadn't...... 

"I'm the one that should be sorry, Zell.....I tried to take the gun from you, I'm sorry......" he said as he choked back tears that were welling up inside of him. "I'I could've waited, but I didn't......God, I'm so sorry......." Squall said, turning his face away. 

"Don't worry...about it....Passion....always....rules reason....," Zell breathed. 

He was dying. 

"Under my bed....in...Balamb....somethin's there....for all of...you....Tell my parents....it's not their fault.....an' that I said it's....not your fault....Tell them.....I said not to be mad at....you....." Squall looked back down at him as he said this. "I'I wish...I could've...been s'strong...l'like you......are...." Squall shook his head. 

".....Like me.....hmph...." A tear rolled down his cheek and landed on Zell's shirt. "I'm not very strong right now, am I...? Don't say you wish to be like me.....You don't know how weak I *am*....." 

"Take...care of Rinoa, Squall.....You...deserve each other...Promise me that much...." 

"I promise....." 

"....Good....'cause if you...don't, I'll just have ta...come back an'....haunt you....." he chuckled and the expression was quickly overturned by pain. He winced. He swallowed hard, as if there was something in his throat. He shuddered. ".......so cold...." he whispered. 

Squall picked him up completely and stood up with him, Zell's head lain on his shoulder. If Zell was going to die, he was going to die where it was warm. He carried him through the wooden door and into the dark ballroom. Seifer had disappeared. He took him to the center of the great room, under the skylight, and knelt down, holding him up. 

His eyes were closed and he wasn't moving. Panicking, Squall shook him. "Zell...?!" 

His eyes opened slightly and looked up at who was holding him. "...Still....here..." he half whispered. His words were coming with more effort behind them now. "You've....always been my....brother, Squall....Even when you....ignored me....an' said 'whatever'....you were....always my brother." 

Squall turned his face away, another tear flowing down his cheek. "I wasn't a brother to you......And if I was, I wasn't a decent one....I never treated you like a brother.....you should've just blown me off like I was doing to you all the time....*God*, I was so naive....." 

Zell looked past him and up through the skylight. Squall looked down at him. 

"The stars....are so pretty.....I...never....looked at 'em....before....really....." 

Squall looked up at the sky. "They are, aren't they.....?" He looked back down at Zell. His eyes stared past Squall and still up at the sky. 

"God.....how many....are there......?" 

"I don't know," Squall answered, still looking down at his friend. His breathing had slowed down. His chest was barely rising. Squall picked up Zell's hand in his blood-covered glove. The black leather he wore didn't do a good job of hiding blood that night. 

"Just....hafta.....count 'em, then....huh....?" 

Squall looked down at him sadly, tears now coming as they wished. "Zell....hold on a little longer, please......" Zell ignored him, gazing up at the stars. 

"One.....t...two.....th..ree........fou...r.....fi.....ve..........si.........x........." 

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Now, before everyone starts going "You killed Zell, you b****, DIE!!!!" **bangs 'enter' key on keyboard** SEND!!! Before everyone starts going nuts, wait for the next chapter and everything will be explained fully on why I let Zell die, what was under his bed, and what 'passion rules reason' means. I promise everything will be explained in the next chapter. I still don't even know if I'm going to leave it like this or not..... 

Phoenixcadet 


	12. Friends Lost, Lessons Learned

  
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Zell exhaled slowly and his blue eyes went blank. Squall tightened his grip on him.  
  
"Zell....?!!!" he said harshly, shaking him. There was no answer. "Zell!!!" he said again, louder than before, echoing through the ballroom. Squall shut his eyes and shook his head, gritting his teeth. (God, this *wasn't* supposed to *happen*......! Everything was supposed to go back to the way it was before..... He wasn't supposed to die like this.....) He looked back down at his friend and stroked his fingers over Zell's eyes, closing them forever. He lifted his head up and lied it on his shoulder like he had before. He swallowed hard, placing his hand on the side of Zell's face over the tattoo.  
  
As he held the lifeless body in his arms, Squall lost his grip on everything he had told himself to be true. That a person could survive on their own, that one only needed one's own self to make it in the world. It was all a lie. He had been lying to himself all this time, staring love and happiness in the face and denying it, while his friends had been trying to make him see it.  
  
"*God*, I was so naive," he whispered, repeating the words he had said just moments before. He looked back down at the brother he once had, but never saw. He looked down and saw the result of his stupidity. He shut his eyes fiercely and turned his face away, unable to look at Zell's body anymore. He looked away until he couldn't stand it any longer and he looked back down. He did the only thing he could think to do: he screamed.  
  
"No!!!!!"  
  
Seifer watched from behind one of the marble columns that stood outside the ring of light cast by the skylight. He listened to Squall scream in an emotion he didn't recognize. Not coming from Squall. He didn't scream in sadness, he didn't scream in anger.  
  
He screamed in failure.  
  
Squall had failed to save him like he had sworn to himself he would do if it killed him. He had failed. Seifer was unfamiliar with the emotion coming from Squall. He watched as Squall still held up Zell's body in his arms. He shook his head and walked up behind Squall, kneeling down and putting a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"He's gone, Squall," he said, actually sounding sad. "Let him go."  
  
Squall opened his eyes and looked at Seifer over his shoulder. "Let him go," he repeated softly. Squall looked down at Zell's body and exhaled shakily. He slowly laid him down on the tile floor. He looked behind him as he heard what seemed like an army of footsteps crossing the ballroom floor. "Seifer, stop them," he said, pointing to the other end of the ballroom. "Don't let them see this."  
  
Seifer nodded and got up, running over to the others who were only a few yards away. He stopped them from coming any further. "That's as far as you're going," he said to Quistis, shaking his head. Raijin and Fujin stepped up in front of the others.  
  
"ZELL, SAFE?" Fujin questioned, but in her heart, knowing the answer. Seifer could only shake his head in response. No words would come from his mouth.  
  
Irvine moved the others aside. "You don't mean he's......oh, *God*....." he whispered and turned away.  
  
"He's....dead....?" Selphie said in disbelief. "It's not *true*.....Tell me it's not *true*.....I have to see him...." she said, trying to move Seifer aside so she could see Zell's body. Irvine touched her shoulder.  
  
"Selphie.....He's gone. We can't change it," he said to her. She turned around to face him, looking up into his eyes.  
  
"I wanna see his body, Irvine. I think you do, too," Selphie said, tears already on her cheeks.  
  
She was right. He did want to see his body. He wouldn't believe he was dead until he saw it. Deep down, he knew they all wouldn't believe it until they were shown Zell's body.   
  
"I have to see, too," he said and walked around Seifer with Selphie. Seifer reached out to stop him, but it was no use. Quistis only covered her mouth and turned away with Nida, walking back toward the doors. She did not wish to see his body.  
  
Rinoa ran in front of Irvine and Selphie and came to a halt as she saw Squall kneeling next to his body. She walked slowly, Irvine and Selphie catching up with her, toward Squall. She reached him and knelt down beside him. She looked down at Zell, and shook her head, beginning to cry. "Oh, Squall....." she whispered and he pulled her close.   
  
"He's gone, Rinoa....." he whispered to her hair. He was more calm, then, than he had been but a minute before. Tears still came, but he spoke softly, betraying what he was feeling. "He's gone an' he's not coming back.......God, it wasn't supposed to be this way.....I tried to get the gun from him, Rinoa......I *tried* to get it from him....I could've waited, but I didn't.....I killed him....I killed him by trying to take the gun from him....I didn't mean to, Rinoa.....I didn't mean to....."  
  
Raijin, Fujin, and Seifer stood outside the ring of light that encased the others. "I don't believe it, ya know......Zell's dead....."  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" Fujin yelled at Raijin and kicked him again. She knew he was dead. Why did Raijin keep having to state the obvious?? She hated it when he did that. She covered her mouth and stood silent next to Seifer.  
  
Irvine and Selphie embraced each other, Selphie crying, Irvine's eyes filling with tears. None of them knew what to do. Squall and Rinoa sat, unmoving, on the ballroom floor, next to the body of their friend.  
  
And they stayed there for a long time.  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
The funeral was held inside the church in Balamb. The entire church was packed with townspeople and students of Garden. People had poured in until there was no longer any room on the pews for them to sit down. Many had had to stand in the back of the room. Many were SeeDs, dressed in uniform for the sad occassion. Others were small children that had known Zell in Balamb.  
  
Up in the front, sat Zell's parents. Ma sat crying, looking away from the coffin in front of her. Pa covered his eyes, leaning forward in Squall's manner, crying. Next to them sat Irvine and Selphie. Irvine wore black, and Selphie her SeeD uniform. Irvine's hat covered his eyes so prying eyes couldn't see the expression that lied beneath. He had shed all of his tears two nights before. He had no tears left to cry. He only wished he had listened to Zell when he had hinted at being suicidal. If he had done something, maybe he would be alive.   
  
Selphie, too, had no more tears left to shed. She was in shock. Her hands were sweaty and clammy as she ran them through her hair.   
  
"You okay, Sefie?" Irvine asked her. She looked up at him and nodded.  
  
"I'm alright, Irvine. Just....I still don't believe it....."  
  
"He's gone, Selphie. We can't change it....No matter how much we want to, we can't change it....I'd take his place if I could, but I can't," Irvine said.  
  
On the other pew, Squall and Rinoa sat. Squall sat wearing his SeeD uniform as were all who were members of SeeD. Rinoa wore a black dress, bowing her head. Quistis sat next to them, also in her uniform. She could only look down at the floor.   
  
Headmaster Cid and Edea sat on the other side of the room, on the front pew, Edea dressed in black as she almost always was. Cid dressed the same as he always did, but with a sad look on his face.   
  
Seifer, Raijin and Fujin all stood in the back of the room. Seifer crossed his arms and looked down at the floor and sighed deeply. He hated funerals. He hated them with a passion. Zell's death had been an accident; he had gone to the ballroom to kill himself, but instead was killed in an accident. Seifer knew Zell didn't blame Squall for what had happened. He didn't, either. An accident was an accident. But it didn't change anything.  
  
The fact that it was an accident didn't take the bullet from Zell's stomach that night. It didn't keep the muscle relaxants from slowing down his breathing and heartbeat, making him die sooner than he should have. It didn't lift Zell out of his coffin and make him breathe again. It had indeed been an accident, but it changed nothing.  
  
Zell had always been Seifer's favorite person to pick at. All because he would get upset and want to fight. But, Squall had always broken them up with only a glance or a word of reprimand. Seifer didn't know it before then, but he realized, as he stood in the church next to Raijin and Fujin, one thing. He respected Squall. When it came to him, his eyes went wide.  
  
Fujin touched his shoulder. "SEIFER, OKAY?" she asked.  
  
He nodded, closing his eyes. "Yes, Fujin. I'm okay," he said, not looking at her. His hand rubbed his chin in a thoughtful manner. "Just thinking...." he said quietly.  
  
"TOO MUCH THINKING, BAD," she said.   
  
"Just sometimes, Fujin......Just sometimes......"  
  
He respected Squall. He didn't know why, but he couldn't deny it. He didn't get along with him, but he respected him. He would leave Garden again, after Zell's funeral. He had soul-searching to do. Alone.  
  
"Fujin," he said, still not looking up from the floor. "I need to ask you something. Actually, I need you to do something, you and Raijin."  
  
"WHAT?" she asked.  
  
"I'm leaving Garden again, after Zell's funeral. I want you and Raijin to stay here," he said. He needed to go and find himself, and he couldn't have anyone with him. He needed no interference, good or bad.  
  
"STAY HERE?? NO. GO WITH YOU."  
  
"No, Fujin....Not this time. I need to be alone for a while, for my own reasons. Will you stay here for me? I wish you could come, but I just need to be by myself for a while. Okay?"  
  
Fujin sighed. She knew when there was no changing his mind. "OKAY....."  
  
They both looked up and the room went quiet as Squall stepped up behind the podium above Zell's coffin. Zell was being buried in his black SeeD uniform, his hairdo unchanged. It was a white marble coffin, the best that Squall and the others could afford ot have him buried in. It had golden handles on the sides, for it to be carried outside with. All around the coffin were flowers on stands and wreathes and in vases. There was hardly enough room for them all.   
  
Squall ascended to the podium and looked down at Zell's body. He lied with his hands over his chest, the tattoo on his face standing out against the pillow his head was lain on. Squall looked down at him and closed his eyes. He sighed as the room went completely silent, the Dincht's looking up from the pew directly in front of him. He could have cried when he saw their faces.  
  
He knew the Dincht's didn't blame him for Zell's death. He knew that they didn't hold him accountable for what had happened. But he did. He blamed himself, if no one else would. He knew he was the one to blame for Zell dying. Looking down at Zell's parents, he could only feel guilt for taking their son away from them.  
  
Squall looked around the room at the SeeDs who had come, some sitting with grim faces, others crying at the loss of a friend. He looked around at the townspeople of Balamb who had known Zell and the small children who had run to him if they were being picked on. He could only feel guilt for taking Zell away from them.  
  
He cleared his throat and swallowed. He looked out over the crowd of people and spoke.  
  
"Friends.....we're gathered here today to pay our last respects to Zell Dincht. He was a friend of mine, as he was to everyone in this room. He....he lost his grip on life, in this past week. He lost his grip on any reason to live....as do we all sometimes.....He was abused into silence by the people he thought loved him, some more guilty than others," he said, turning his face away for a moment and then looking back up at them all.   
  
"He--he didn't--he didn't...think like a lot of us....he always thought there was some way out of anything, any obstacle he might come across....." Squall shook his head. "But, he didn't see what all of us thought was so obvious, and maybe to him it wasn't obvious, but he didn't see that he was cared for. If he were alive to see this room, here, now....If he could see how many people really cared about him....maybe he wouldn't have lost his grip on life like he did.....We can only know that he's in a better place, now, than this wretched Earth of ours."  
  
He looked down and saw Mrs. Dincht crack a small smile at that.  
  
He continued. "We shouldn't remember how Zell died. We should only remember the good person he was. His smile, his loyalty.....He was the most loyal person I'd ever seen.....He loved his family and his friends more than anything in this world. But, if there was anything Zell did well, it was *live*. He knew how to live and have fun better than anyone I know." Squall chuckled a bit. "I remember a few weeks ago, we were in the cafeteria, he'd come over with a plate of hot dogs and sat down with me at my table, just me and him. I remember we somehow got to talking about what we believed about life and he said to me 'Squall, dude, I'm no teacher or philosopher or what have ya, but if anybody learns anything from me, they learn to live life to it's fullest. It's like, ya know, there's a thousand tomorrows, but only one today, ya know what I'm sayin'?'. I didn't know what he meant then. I didn't focus on what he was telling me. I can only think, now, that he was telling me that this was going to happen. I think that was why he sat down with me that day. To teach me what he knew about life and living it, because he knew he wasn't going to be here much longer. I wish I would've sat down and really listened to what he had to say.  
  
"Zell told me, the night before he died, he told me that when he died, he didn't want anyone to cry. He told me he didn't want anyone to feel sorry for him and I don't. I truly don't feel sorry for him. When a person doesn't live their life to the fullest *before* their time comes, that's when you should feel sorry for that person. And Zell took a bite out of life like nobody I'd ever seen." Squall chuckled. "He bit off a little more than he could chew sometimes, but he lived pretty well."  
  
Squall's smile disappeared as he looked down at the Dincht's in the front pew.  
  
"It....just wasn't fair for him to die so early in life.....Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the parents bury their children. It wasn't fair for him to die so early....But, we all know that there's a reason for everything. There was a reason he died when he did, even if we don't see it now. Maybe it was to teach all of us a lesson about showing that we care about others. To not be afraid to say 'I love you' or 'I care about you' to someone else, lest they not be there in the morning. I don't know what the reason is, but there is one. We can only look to a brighter day when we die and see the ones we lost, but until then we should learn from Zell and live our lives to the fullest, lest we not be here tomorrow."  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
They carried Zell's body in a hearse out to Balamb Cemetary out on the Alcauld Plains outside of town. It was a sunny, but cold morning with the wind blowing in off the ocean. Squall stood in front of all the SeeDs as they fell in in front of the coffin as Zell was about to be lain to rest. Squall stood in front of them, facing the closed coffin stiffly at attention, along with the rest of the formation.  
  
"Squadron," Squall barked loudly to the SeeDs behind him. "Present, ARMS."  
  
Every right hand in the formation saluted the coffin as it was lowered into the ground. When the coffin was in the grave, Squall turned around. "Order, ARMS."  
  
All hands returned to their sides and Squall spoke one last time to the formation. "Fall out," he said softly. Most people were returning to their vehicles to go home after that. Except the Dincht's. They walked over to Squall and the others where they stood. Ma Dincht took his hand in hers and looked him in the eyes.  
  
"Back at the church....that was...a beautiful...I guess you'd call it a sermon....That was beautiful, Squall. I want you to have this," she said, holding out at least twenty gil in her hand. Squall pushed it back away from him.  
  
"I won't accept that, Mrs. Dincht," he said to her.  
  
"Call me 'Ma'," she said softly. "And you will take it." She put the money out in front of him again.  
  
"No, ma'am. I won't take it," Squall said, more insistant this time. Ma sighed.  
  
"If you won't take it, you an' the others can at least come home and eat dinner with me an' Pa. It'll be lonely in the house, now that Zell's....gone...." she said, emotion in her voice. Squall had told her about what had happened, how Zell had died. That it was his fault.  
  
Squall took the older woman by the shoulders. "I'm so sorry....." he choked. "I didn't mean to take your boy from you....." Ma hugged him.  
  
"You did what ya could and that's what counts.....I woulda done no different than you if it would have been me up in that ballroom. I can't blame you for what happened. You was scared for him, was all."  
  
Squall's eyes widened and he gently pushed Ma away. "What did you say....?"  
  
"I said 'you was scared for him, was all'. Why?"  
  
"In the few moments before he died, I told him I was sorry for tryin' to get the gun from him. And....he told me not to worry about it, that passion always ruled reason."  
  
"Of course passion rules reason," Pa Dincht said to him. "You want somethin' bad enough, that want blinds you to rational thinking. You can only see what you want and you'll do anything to get it. You're not thinking clearly."  
  
"I understand, now what he was telling me......He was telling me not to be sorry because I didn't know what I was doing. I was scared for him, and that blinded me from thinking straight....He said there was something under his bed for us, in your home. Would you mind if we looked?"  
  
"Of course not. If Zell said there was somethin' you young'uns was supposed to get outta his room, then you're welcome to it, whatever it is," Pa said.  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Squall pulled a small metal box out from underneath Zell's bed. He picked it up and held it in both hands.  
  
Squall's fingers felt a piece of paper on the bottom of the box and he flipped it over. There was a note taped to the bottom of the metal box and he took it off. He opened it up and read it aloud.  
  
'If Zell Dincht isn't dead, don't open this box. The only person supposed to open this box is Squall Leonhart of Balamb Garden.'  
  
Squall turned the box back over and opened it up. There was a video tape inside with a label that said 'last will and testament of Zell Dincht' in Zell's small handwriting.  
  
Only Rinoa, Selphie, and Irvine had followed him up into Zell's room. Quistis, Fujin, Raijin, and Seifer were downstairs with the Dincht's in the living room.   
  
Selphie hopped back and forth from foot to foot. "Let's go see what's on it!!" she said, impatiently. They all took the tape downstairs into the living room of the Dincht's home.  
  
"We found it," Irvine said plainly, decending the stairs after Selphie. Squall came down behind him, the video tape in hand. Everyone sat down wherever they could. The Dincht's stood in the doorway to the kitchen Quistis sat down in a chair next to the blue couch where the others sat, watching Squall as he put the tape in the VCR. He pressed 'play' and sat down on the couch.  
  
The screen was black for the first few seconds, but then Zell came up on the screen adjusting the video camera. He backed away and sat down on his bed. It was being taped in his room upstairs where they had just been. Zell sat on the bed, facing the camera with a grim face.   
  
*"Well......If you're watching this tape, Squall, Rinoa, Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, and Seifer.....If you're watching this, I'm not here anymore and I'm not coming back. I don't know how I died or why, but this is just to say 'I love you' to all of you. Ma, Pa, Squall, Rinoa, Selphie, Irvine. I love every one of you. Ma, Pa, I know you're watchin' this, too and I love you, too. However I died, in a battle, or something else, don't be mad at Squall and the others. I know they did everything they could to save me, no matter how I died."  
  
Ma nodded her head and looked around the room at her son's friends. They were an odd group, but they had been her son's friends, and that was all she cared. They would be welcome in her home until she and her husband were both gone.  
  
*"Selphie.....I know you like Triple Triad, so you can have all my cards. They're in a box in my closet under the floorboard. I got some rare cards in there I never use 'cause they're worth money. You can have those. In case you ever need any money, you can sell 'em.  
  
*"Quistis.....ummmmm.....You can have all the books on my bookcase up here. I don't know if you'll like any of them, but if you don't you can donate them to the library or take them to that bookstore in town an' trade 'em for somethin' you want.  
  
*"Irvine.......Dude, I want you t' close your eyes."*  
  
Irvine cocked his head to the side in confusion.  
  
*"Irvine, I know your eyes aren't closed. CLOSE 'EM!!"* Zell snapped. He picked up the videocamera and held it up to his face. Irvine closed his eyes. *"Irvine, you know what's gonna happen if you open your eyes before I say so? I'm gonna come back down from heaven, an' beat you. Here's what you're getting."*  
  
Zell turned the camera toward his bookcase. *"Okay, you can look now."*  
  
Irvine squealed. In front of the camera over the bookcase, were the rifles Zell's grandfather had given to him. *"I don't think Grampa would mind if I passed these over to you. Don't you agree, Ma? And even if you don't, I don't care, this is my will an' I'll give anybody anything in my room I want. I'm just playin', Ma...don't get upset."*  
  
*"Now, Rinoa.....uhhhhh....[clicks tongue].....I don't know....I don't know what I'll give you.....You can have my CDs. Like with Quistis, I don't know if there's anything you'll like, but if not, you can sell 'em and get somethin' you want."*  
  
They were all getting something to remember him by. Squall knew that he didn't want anything, but whatever Zell gave him, he would keep it and not let anything happen to it.  
  
*"Squall.....you need to do me a favor: stay the commander of Garden. You're the best person suited for the job. There's not a SeeD in Balamb Garden good enough to lick your boots. And do me another favor: don't be punchin' no more rocks, *okay*? When we were at Edea's house when Rinoa was in the coma, when you punched that rock, I heard your fingers pop from where I was standing. For you, Squall? You get my punching bag. Being the commander of Garden, you'll need it and I know you will. You keep punching rocks and you won't have a trigger finger to fire that gunblade no more,"* Zell said, an amused look on his face, pointing at the camera.  
  
Squall laughed. For the first time, he laughed a full throated bellow. Every head in the room turned to look at him. He stopped laughing after a moment and watched as the tape continued.  
  
*"If Seifer's watchin' this tape.....uhhhhhhhhh......Let's just say I forgive you for everything, okay...? I'm not saying I'm your friend or anythin', I just forgive you and we'll leave it at that. Don't be sad for me, guys. I know I'm goin' to a better place, I just hope it has hotdogs and mustard. That's all I care.[door opens and footsteps coming up the stairs.]"*  
  
*"Zell!!! Come help me with these groceries, boy!!"* they heard Pa's voice yell up the stairs. Zell looked at his door and ran over to the camera. He put two fingers against his lips and touched them to the camera lens. *"Bye, you guys...."* he whispered.  
  
And the screen went black.  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Squall stood outside on the dock, watching the line of clouds that had blanketed the continent of Balamb for the past week. He watched them recede into the distance as the sun set behind them, casting an orange hue over the water and onto his face. He felt a hand touch his shoulder.  
  
"Squall?" Rinoa said uncertainly. He was thinking again.  
  
"Hmmm?" he replied, still watching the waves.   
  
"What're we going to do without him? He was one of us. How can we keep on going without him?" she asked.  
  
"He's not gone completely, Rinoa. Only his body. He's still here, we just don't see him anymore. He's still with us, I can feel it. He's not gone," Squall said, and in the distance they heard a clap of thunder. "See? There he is."  
  
"He's still not here physically, Squall," Rinoa said, shaking her head. "We can't touch him anymore, we can't talk to him anymore--"  
  
"Sure, we can. He just won't talk back, is all. As for him not being here, I guess we'll all just have to deal with that one day at a time, won't we?"  
  
Rinoa didn't say anything. She didn't have to. She knew he was right. Zell was still there, with them. She just didn't believe he was gone. And she knew no one else really believed it, either. Maybe if they cast a life spell on him, he would come back and be Zell again. But she knew that wouldn't happen, no matter how much people wanted to believe it. He wasn't coming back.  
  
Maybe, in time, they would all come to accept Zell's death as it was, but for now, all they could do was cope with it, as Squall said, one day at a time.   
  
************************************************************************************************  
  
Now, I've got some explaining to do. First, why I let Zell die, instead of having him live. When I first started this story, I intended on letting him live. But as I got to writing it, I realized it would be a more powerful story if he died. Letting him live wouldn't have gotten my point across: be careful how you treat people. If someone you knew died because they felt ugly or stupid because people branded them that, you would feel pretty sorry, especially if you were one of the ones that led the person to that. In everything I wrote in this story, I put myself in the Zell's position, thinking to myself 'what would I do?' or 'what would I say to that'? I put a lot of my personal beliefs in this story. The feelings Zell is showing in this story, I've had experience with. I know what it feels like to be afraid to say something I feel, or that I'm clumsy and dumb. I've felt most of what he felt before, and although I haven't ever tried to kill myself, that was why I was able to write this story. And to answer ????'s question on the review's page, this was so short of a story because that's how it happens a lot of times in the real world. People are fine one day and then the next they're slitting their wrists and starving themselves. People do that, no matter how much we don't want to believe it.   
  
Second, Squall. I had Squall play the big brother in this story. He doesn't really realize that his behavior has an affect on people and I tried to play on that a lot. Especially in the last chapter and the beginning of this one. At the beginning of this chapter, he's more angry with himself than sad about Zell's dying. He's upset with himself for letting it happen and he blames himself, much in the way Zell blamed himself for what happened to Trabia. He hasn't ever experienced something like this, even though he thinks he knows a lot about the world.  
  
Third, Seifer. Like in chapter 11, Seifer only wanted forgiveness for what he had done to Garden and the others. He knows he was crazy when he did all of that, he just doesn't admit it. But he still wants forgiveness for what he did, and he saw that this was the best way to get it, by saving Zell from himself. Which he failed at, so he's leaving Garden again to do some soul-searching. I leave that as an open invitation for anyone who likes to write Seifer stories. Just thought I'd throw that in there for anyone who's having writer's block.  
  
To everyone who read this story and enjoyed it, I thank you wholeheartedly. I also want to thank the following people for helping me out when I needed it: Annika, FunnyGinMan, Ash, Fallenange13, and JuliaHrtly776.   
  
Until next story, I remain.....  
  
Phoenixcadet  
  
  
  
  
  



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